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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26664808">Everywhere at the End of Time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_quite_anonymous/pseuds/not_quite_anonymous'>not_quite_anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Universe, Childhood Friends, Chronic Illness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Growing Up Together, Hospitals, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Texting, Time Skips, University, im sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:56:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,467</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26664808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_quite_anonymous/pseuds/not_quite_anonymous</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kei’s birthday wish was to spend the rest of his life with Tadashi. It came true, but maybe not in the way he expected.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Everywhere at the End of Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi! this is my first ever fic, but i put a lot of time and effort into it so i hope you enjoy! i cried many, many times while writing this.</p><p>thank you so much to my best friends/beta readers!! i could not have done it without y’all i love you guys</p><p>inspired by everywhere at the end of time by the caretaker:<br/>https://youtu.be/wJWksPWDKOc<br/>if you know, you know</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>12am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“Happy birthday, Tsukki!”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi giggled and gently shook Kei’s shoulder. “Are you awake?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, now I am.” Kei blinked slowly, eyes drawn to the alarm clock by his bed, neon numbers pronouncing the time as midnight on the dot. “You woke me up at midnight just to wish me happy birthday?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s your tenth birthday, Tsukki! It’s special! So do you feel any older or wiser? I’m so jealous, I won’t be ten for another month and a half.” Tadashi pouted.</p><p> </p><p>Kei sighed irritably, but a small warmth spread through his chest. “No, I don’t feel any older. Maybe more tired though.” He stifled a yawn.</p><p> </p><p>They were lying on Kei’s bed together, something they had done a thousand times before, whether it was watching volleyball games on Kei’s ancient laptop or playing games on Tadashi’s DS or having their sleepovers. It was such a common occurrence for the boys to be at each other’s houses that they decided dragging the futon out every time was too much of a hassle. Besides, they usually ended up falling asleep while talking on the bed anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Kei looked over at Tadashi, with his worn grey pyjamas decorated with Pokéballs and sleep mussed hair, and that annoying feeling in his chest prickled its way up into his throat. Kei wore his favourite pyjamas with dinosaurs printed up and down the legs and sleeves (although he would never admit that they were his favourite to anyone else). Everything was warm and familiar and comfortable, like it should be.</p><p> </p><p>Kei wasn’t really annoyed at being woken up in the middle of the night. He would have woken up sooner or later anyways by Tadashi hogging the blankets like he always did, pulling them close to his chest and hugging them like a lifeline. To be honest, Kei didn’t mind that either, because it gave him an excuse to scooch closer to the boy with the justification of wanting his blankets back. Not that he knew why he wanted to be closer to Tadashi, but he had only just turned ten and figured it was something to think about another time.</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukki? You didn’t fall back asleep did you?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, but I wish I could.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, Tsukki.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei made a faint noise in the back of his throat. “Stop apologizing for everything, Yamaguchi.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, Tsukki!” Tadashi replied instinctively, then realized. “Oh no, I can’t stop!”</p><p> </p><p>They both laughed at that, poking each other in the chest until Kei raised his hands in surrender, Tadashi declaring himself the victor before collapsing on the bed again, both of them breathless and happy. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi hummed quietly, turning to Kei with a curious look in his eyes. “Do you have a birthday wish?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei considered for a moment. “No, not really”</p><p> </p><p>“Well then… can I have it?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei stared at Tadashi in confusion, before sighing and giving in, like he always did when it came to him. “Sure, why not?”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi screwed up his eyes, crinkled his nose, and balled his fists, like he was trying to memorize times tables. It was the most focused Kei had ever seen him, and a hot blush rose to his face when he realized he’d been staring for far too long.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay!” Tadashi grinned widely, showing off all his teeth but the one that he lost after he wouldn’t stop wiggling it during volleyball practice until he received a ball to the face, which had solved the issue. “I wished that we would be able to spend time together forever!”</p><p> </p><p>“Stupid, you’re not supposed to say it out loud or else it won’t happen.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi giggled, but his voice was earnest and sincere when he spoke. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course it will, Tsukki. We’re us, aren’t we?”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>1am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Kei ran down the school corridor, heart pounding so hard he felt like it would jump out of his chest. He dragged Tadashi behind him, stumbling but grasping onto his sweaty palm so hard that his knuckles ached.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Come on, come on, we have to go!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They turned a corner blindly, stumbling into a dead end hallway. Damnit. Something was coming. He didn’t know what, but he knew that something was after him. Kei looked around wildly, for a fire exit or a weapon or anything, but there were just rows of lockers and classroom doors.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He took a deep breath before dashing forward and pushing his way into an empty classroom. Kei corralled Tadashi in behind him, looking pale and sweaty and terrified out of his mind. They were trapped, but maybe they could hide under a desk or in a supply closet? Footsteps and heavy breathing rang out in the halls. The sounds were getting closer. Kei stifled a surprised gasp when he saw a shadow looming right outside the door, trying to make its way in.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It’s okay Yamaguchi, I’m here, I’m right here, you’re safe with me.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His lungs burned, and he could hear it pounding against the door, a dull thud, desperate scratching... no, that wasn’t right. The sound changed into something sharper, more abrupt. A… clacking? Where would that sound be coming from? Kei’s eyes darted across the room, looking for the source of the mysterious sound, but came up empty. He heard it again, a distinct noise like someone knocking on a pane of glass. Glass… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Kei’s vision was blurry and his heart was still pounding as he sat up in bed and reached across his desk, searching for his glasses. Finally, his fingers closed around the wire frames and he slid them on before swinging his legs to the floor and standing up. He heard another clack as he quickly flipped a light on, squinting to adjust to the sudden change. The sound was coming from his window. Peering over the edge, he saw a familiar figure standing just underneath, preparing to throw another rock, then quickly putting it down and waving enthusiastically. Kei held up a finger to acknowledge his presence and convey that he’d be down in a second, threw on a pair of pants and a light sweater, then quietly made his way down the stairs and out the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Really, Yamaguchi? You had to throw rocks at my window? You know you could have just texted, right?”</p><p> </p><p>The two boys were walking aimlessly through the neighborhood. There was still a slight chill in the air, but the spring weather was sweeping it away with promises of cherry blossoms and sunny rain.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, but it’s more fun this way, plus I know you put your phone on silent whenever you don’t feel like talking to people, which is most of the time.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei flushed slightly, muttering under his breath. “I have your number on emergency bypass so I’ll get notifications even when my phone is silenced.”</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukki!! I didn’t know that!! Okay then, I’ll text next time.” Tadashi’s smile was well worth the embarrassment of telling him. “I was trying to not throw too hard, since I didn’t want to break anything or wake your parents up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like you could break my window with your twig arms,” Kei snorted.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey! Just because you had a crazy growth spurt this year doesn’t mean that I’m not stronger than you. I’m pretty sure I’m still the reigning arm wrestling champion.” Tadashi fake flexed, which caused him to fall into a fit of giggles while Kei suppressed a laugh and looked at him judgingly. “Anyway, sorry for throwing rocks against your window at one in the morning.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei shrugged. “It’s fine, all you did was wake me up from a dream.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh? What were you dreaming about? A special someone?” Tadashi attempted to wiggle his eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p>A deep red blush made its way to Kei’s face as he recalled the only other person that had been present in his dream. Tadashi laughed in delight, clearly thinking he was right.</p><p> </p><p>“Who was it? Miko-chan? Didn’t she confess to you on the last day of middle school?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it was nobody, it was nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not telling me something!”</p><p> </p><p>Kei fidgeted with his glasses, unable to look Tadashi in the eyes. “I would tell you if it were important. You’re my best friend, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukki, I’m your only friend.”</p><p> </p><p>The words took a second to process as Kei frowned. He had other friends… right? He was friendly with some of the boys on the volleyball team, and girls always wanted to talk to him. But he only ever ate lunch alone or with Tadashi, and had never invited anyone else to his house before. He knew that he could be standoffish and was often seen as rude, and Tadashi was so bright and friendly that everyone loved him. Kei’s frown deepened. Why would Tadashi want to be friends with him anyway? </p><p> </p><p>“I can hear you overthinking, Tsukki. I didn’t mean anything by that, I like being your friend.”</p><p> </p><p>Relief flooded Kei’s veins. Honestly, if he didn’t become friends with Tadashi, he would probably have ended up as some lone wolf freak. They balanced each other out, and he relied on Tadashi as much as Tadashi relied on him. </p><p> </p><p>They continued walking in a comfortable silence, kicking a rock between them as they wound their way down the residential streets. Unconsciously, they had made their way to their old middle school, where they had graduated from just weeks ago. Kei thought back to the ceremony, a quiet affair where teachers handed out certificates and shook hands. Kei’s and Tadashi’s parents had both attended, as well as Kei’s older brother.</p><p> </p><p>“Seems like just yesterday that we graduated, huh?” Tadashi said, as if reading Kei’s thoughts. “And tomorrow we’ll already be heading to high school…”</p><p> </p><p>“Speaking of, shouldn’t you be asleep? Big day tomorrow, not the best idea to be wandering around so late.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi groaned in frustration. “I know, but that’s exactly the reason I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about how everything is going by so fast and how we’re already starting high school and it’s all going to be so different. I don’t handle change well.” The last sentence was mumbled quietly, embarrassment audible in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, there’ll be at least one constant thing. We’re both going to Karasuno aren’t we? So even if you don’t know anyone else, you’ll still have me. And we’ll both join the volleyball team so even if we’re in different classes we can still see each other.” </p><p> </p><p>Kei was just being frank as always, but he could see Tadashi’s shoulders relax more at the thought of going into this new, uncharted terrain. However, he could also see that his hands were still shaking, betraying his nerves. In a sudden wave of courage, Kei reached out and grabbed Tadashi’s hand between his own, looking down at the tan, freckled skin against long pale fingers illuminated by the streetlights.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m here, I’ll always be right here for you.” The words were an echo of the ones he said to Tadashi earlier that night in his dream. Kei hated baring his emotions, but he hated seeing Tadashi upset even more.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Tsukki.”</p><p> </p><p>They slowly made their way home, savouring the night air. Tadashi’s hand never left Kei’s.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>--</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>2am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:01am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> don’t you think that there should be a specific class of pokemon for pokemon who look too much like people to be treated like pets but too much like pokemon to be treated like people </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> like machamp and gardevoir and mr mime </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:02am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> No. Go to sleep. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:02am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> i can’t, tomorrow is our first practice match </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> what if i forget how to serve in the middle of the game and we lose and it’ll all be my fault </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> what if i mess up and am banned from playing ever again </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> suga-san will be disappointed in me and then daichi-san will be upset because suga-san is upset and you know how scary he gets when he goes full captain mode </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ＼(º □ º l|l)/ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:03am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> That won’t happen. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:03am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> you don’t know that for sure… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:03am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Yes I do.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:04am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> wow tsukki i didn’t know you were psychic </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:04am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> No, but I know that you practiced your jump float serve every night for the past month, you’ll be fine. Believe in yourself and your abilities. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:05am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> who are you and what have you done with my best friend </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:05am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Shut up, Yamaguchi. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:06am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> sorry tsukki!! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> thank you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:06am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Were you so worried about a stupid volleyball game that you stress played Pokémon instead of sleeping? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:07am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> you know me so well! and volleyball isn’t stupid!! (&gt;ー &lt;)୨୨ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> besides, you’re not asleep either ヾ( ￣O￣)ツ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> hypocrite </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:07am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> I can function on 4 hours of sleep. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> You get cranky any time you get less than 7. Remember the pudding incident? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:08am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> TSUKKI YOU PROMISED NEVER TO SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'M STILL EMBARRASSED OF THAT TO THIS DAY (×﹏×) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:08am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Exactly, which is why I’m warning you. Don’t want a repeat of that now do we? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:08am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> have you ever considered that maybe the reason why you’re so mean and grumpy is because you don’t sleep </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:08am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> No. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:09am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> no you haven’t considered it or no that’s not why? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:09am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> I’m not grumpy. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:09am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> sure you aren’t tsukki (¬‿¬ ) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:10am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Whatever. Stop playing Pokémon and go to sleep, it’s late. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:10am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> actually, it’s early (.❛ ᴗ ❛.) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:10am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Yamaguchi. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi (sent 2:10am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> ok ok fine </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> good night tsukki!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tsukki !! ☆*.o(≧▽≦)o.*☆ (sent 2:11am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Good night, Yamaguchi. </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>---</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>3am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to fail math. I’m going to bomb the exam and not be able to go to the training camp and die from embarrassment.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi flopped dramatically onto his bed, bouncing slightly before coming to a rest among the seemingly endless sheets of numbers and symbols that swam past his eyes when he tried to focus for too long, a side effect of writing notes and memorizing formulas and flipping through textbooks for the past several hours.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not going to fail. You have the best tutor, don’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, Mr. Top of the Class.” Tadashi stuck out his tongue at Kei half heartedly, before returning to gazing up at the ceiling. Kei knew Tadashi was exaggerating. While he wasn’t the best student or top of the class like Kei was, Tadashi was clever and hardworking, and earned good grades in all his subjects. In fact, he often put way more effort than was necessary into projects, pushing himself to do better and reacting harshly to mediocre marks. </p><p> </p><p>Kei, on the other hand, didn’t care as much about school as Tadashi did. He still put in the work and was often rewarded with high marks and lavish praise, but it came more naturally to him. He didn’t pore over study guides like Tadashi or make colour coded notes like Yachi, but he still got by with cram sessions on the night before tests and skimming workbooks for jot notes.</p><p> </p><p>Since the third years had graduated, Kei and Tadashi had both been putting more effort into volleyball, having to get used to the strange feeling of being called “senpai” by the group of young, eager first years who had been drawn by the success of the volleyball team at last year’s Nationals. Tadashi and Kei, as second years, often worked together to help coach the new members. Tadashi patiently walked them through the mechanics of serving while Kei believed in “showing, not telling”, his way of being able to have as little social interaction as possible while still making a point to correct the new member’s stances and techniques, usually with a scathing remark or thinly veiled insult. </p><p> </p><p>Of course, they also had to keep Hinata and Kageyama in check, who argued more often than not, but it had more of a soft teasing quality than it did in their first year. However, they were still creepily in sync with their crazy quick attacks. Hinata was also an enthusiastic and beloved teacher, expressing his spiking methods through various explosive hand gestures and “whoosh”, “bam”, and “ka-blam”s. Kageyama, on the other hand, just stared stonily, or stumbled over his words while trying to explain how to set to the first years. Ennoshita was a good captain, levelheaded and steady, though not afraid to yell and physically restrain Nishinoya and Tanaka from whatever stupid stunt they were attempting next (the one they came closest to pulling off was putting bright pink hair dye in Kei’s shampoo). Tadashi also befriended Yachi, bonding over a mutual drive and anxious tendencies. </p><p> </p><p>All of this subsequently led to less time for studying, hence the many late nights that Kei and Tadashi had to pull in order to prepare for exams. They would walk home from practice together to one or the other’s house, studying until they collapsed or were sick of it, at which point they would usually break out a documentary or watch films of volleyball matches. This happened so often that their parents joked that they had adopted each other, since they were practically living at each other’s houses.</p><p> </p><p>Today’s practice was particularly brutal, with receiving drills that left mottled bruises up and down both of their forearms. Even Nishinoya was exhausted by the end of the day. So it didn’t surprise Kei to see that when he glanced over at Tadashi after finally finishing the last set of questions that he had fallen asleep, sprawled across his papers and textbooks, mouth open and a tiny trail of drool threatening to stain his math homework. A quick glance at the clock showed that it was past three in the morning, so Kei decided to let Tadashi have his well deserved rest. </p><p> </p><p>Carefully, Kei pulled out the worksheets and notebooks from under and around Tadashi, taking care to mark where he had left off and tuck the loose notes back into his binder. Tadashi had fallen asleep on top of the blanket, so Kei strode over to the closet to retrieve the spare one, before returning and carefully settling it over Tadashi.</p><p> </p><p>Kei looked at Tadashi’s sleeping face, so devoid of stress and worry that he looked years younger. He wanted him to look like this all the time. Obviously, Kei appreciated how serious and dedicated Tadashi could get, and liked seeing the little crinkle in his forehead right before he did a jump float serve or when he was thinking about a particularly difficult math question. But still, Kei thought that out of all of Tadashi’s faces, this one of blissful relaxation that nobody else got to see was his favourite. He wanted to protect him, keep Tadashi tucked up against his side so that he could always be this relaxed and happy. Kei wanted to smooth out the crinkle in his forehead and then kiss it, like he wanted to kiss each and every freckle on Tadashi’s face, and the ones behind his ears and on the inside of his elbows andー oh. Oh no.</p><p> </p><p>Kei couldn’t be thinking these thoughts. Tadashi was his <em> best friend </em>, not someone he wanted to kiss. That was wrong, right? It was bad to be thinking those kinds of things to someone who only thought of you in a completely platonic way, especially another boy… right? </p><p> </p><p><em> Calm down and think through it rationally </em>, Kei chided himself. It was late, he was probably just being delusional and thinking insane thoughts, he reasoned. It’s not like he wanted to date Tadashi, take him out to eat and go on walks through the park and hold hands and… now that he thought about it, weren’t they practically dating already? They spent every spare moment together and had sleepovers where they slept on the same bed every week. Kei also couldn’t recall Tadashi talking about any girls he was possibly interested in, as they usually chose to talk about the latest scientific journal Kei had read or debated existentialism instead of talking about anything related to romance.</p><p> </p><p>In fact, Kei couldn’t remember the last time <em> he </em> had a crush on a girl. Miko-chan in middle school? No, he had been unperturbed at her confession and hadn’t spoken to her since. Plenty of girls had confessed to him in high school too, but nobody came to mind that he actually enjoyed talking to, much less liked romantically. </p><p> </p><p>Instead, thoughts of Tadashi began to fill his head. Tadashi slipping and scraping his knee in elementary school, and how Kei had run and gotten a bandage but Tadashi wouldn’t stop crying until he kissed it better. Tadashi in middle school, catching bugs and fascinated by the facts that Kei would recall about them, unaware that Kei had checked out two thick books on entomology and ignored his schoolwork for five days just to finish them in order to impress him. Tadashi in high school, yelling in frustration after he failed a test and Kei just listening to him rant and letting him punch his arm until he had calmed down and apologized sheepishly. Tadashi was always there, a familiar presence by Kei’s side for as long as he could remember. Maybe he’s had these feelings for a lot longer than he’s realized.</p><p> </p><p>Kei thought about Tadashi, really thought about him for the first time. He thought about taking his hand on the way to school and sharing umbrellas and buying him popsicles so that he could taste them afterwards on his lips. A warmth spread through his chest, fiery and bright and scary but also so familiar, as if it had been there for years. Kei looked back at Tadashi, aware of him in a whole different way, and groaned softly into his hands.</p><p> </p><p>He was so, so in love with his best friend.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>----</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>4am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>“ーbut it’s so much responsibility and all the new first years are such a handful! I mean can you believe that we were ever first years Tsukki? I love being captain, don’t get me wrong, but I could never live up to Daichi-san and Ennoshita-san, plus we have six new first years! Six!! I don’t even know what to do with Haruto-kun, I mean he’s tall and obviously talented but doesn't seem to care about the team at all, plus he always has to ‘go to the bathroom’ whenever we practice receives… kind of reminds me of a certain other former first year, huh, Tsukki?”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi finally took a breath and looked up at Kei, eyes bright and mischievous. Kei’s heart twisted and skipped a beat, like it always did whenever Tadashi looked at him with those huge brown eyes. He was so caught up in trying not to blush that he almost didn’t reply to Tadashi’s question, finally giving a non-committal hum. </p><p> </p><p>“Not even going to defend yourself?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s four in the morning and you’ve been ranting about volleyball for half an hour nonstop, I’m actually kind of impressed.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi drew in a surprised breath, then looked up at the clock to confirm. “Is it that late already?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Kei stretched out like a cat, one arm hanging off the side of the bed. “But it’s not a school night, so by all means continue. I don’t think you have anything to worry about though, Yamaguchi. Everyone loves you.” <em> Tadashi has no idea how true that statement is </em>, Kei thought to himself.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think I’m a good captain though. I mean, I only became a starter this year, and all the other third years are better players…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, come on, look at me. You have the best damn serve on the team, and everyone can tell you’re a good captain. Besides, who else would be captain? Hinata and Kageyama are volleyball freaks, sure, but they couldn’t keep people in line the way you do. And there’s no way in hell that I would ever voluntarily manage a bunch of hyper teenage boys, I don’t know how you do it.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi softened. “Thanks, Tsukki.”</p><p> </p><p>Impulsively, Tadashi reached out and wrapped his arms around Kei’s waist, pulling himself closer and tucking his head under Kei’s chin where it fit perfectly, it always fit perfectly. They were pressed together, barely fitting onto Kei’s bed. Tadashi shifted slightly, accidentally elbowing Kei in the side.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” he whispered, and Kei shivered at the feeling of the soft breath tickling against his neck.</p><p> </p><p>Kei swallowed hard, just starting to get his breath under control when he felt Tadashi start to speak again. </p><p> </p><p>“Tsukki? Don’t you think we’re too old to be sleeping in the same bed anymore?”</p><p> </p><p>A sharp sense of alarm shot through Kei. He knew logically that they were too big to still be sleeping like this, both of them over six feet of gangy limbs and sharp elbows and muscle built on from years of daily volleyball practice. They weren’t the slight ten year olds that they used to be anymore, but Kei didn’t want to let go of this nostalgia and familiarity. </p><p> </p><p>“Iー I like you in my bed,” Kei said softly, the tiniest whisper that seemed to float in the night air for far too long. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Tadashi replied simply.</p><p> </p><p>Kei panicked. Was that too much? Was he coming on too strong? He knew that things had been slightly awkward since his revelation about his feelings towards Tadashi nearly a year ago, but he did his best to keep that hidden. Their friendship was much too important for him to sacrifice on the chance of going further. Besides, Tadashi would obviously never like him back that way, he already knew that, butー</p><p> </p><p>Kei’s spiraling thoughts were interrupted by another faint whisper. “I like being in your bed too, Tsukki.” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi thanked every star in the sky that it was too dark in the room to see the bright red flush that had creeped up his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>“I guess we can keep sharing a bed then.”</p><p> </p><p>At some point during this conversation, Tadashi had unburied his head from Kei’s neck, instead deciding to lie on his side facing Kei. It shouldn’t have been anything special, they had lied like this countless times, but after both of their soft admissions, something in the air felt different. They were so close, gold eyes staring into brown ones, close enough for Kei to single out every one of Tadashi’s unfairly long eyelashes by the faint glow of the streetlights outside of his window.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi shifted forward just the tiniest bit, until their foreheads were pressed together. Both of them were as still as statues, although the irregular rhythm of their heartbeats gave them away. The air itself seemed to stand still, save for the short, quick breaths that were exchanged between the two boys.</p><p> </p><p>Kei oh so slowly reached up to settle his hand on Tadashi’s cheek, freckles peeking through his splayed fingers. “Yamaguchi, Iー”</p><p> </p><p>He couldn't finish his sentence because suddenly Tadashi was kissing him, warm, slightly chapped lips pressing against his own. It felt so good, so <em> right </em>, that Kei couldn’t tell if it was real or simply a late night delusion sprung from his desperate pining.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this okay?” Tadashi swallowed thickly. Kei was so shocked that he couldn’t even form a reply, mouth opening but no words coming out.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi took a deep, shaky breath. </p><p> </p><p>“I like you so much Tsukki, you know that right? I like you so, so, so much, ever since that night before the first day of high school when you held my hand. I’ve liked you for years and years and years but I didn’t think you’d ever like me back.”</p><p> </p><p>The irony of the situation made Kei bark out a laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t laugh at me Tsukki! I know I’m not good enough and I know that you could have literally anyone else and I know you could never like me that way but I just told you how I feel, you could at least turn me down gently, not laugh at me.”</p><p> </p><p>Instead of responding verbally, Kei just kissed him again, allowing their lips to slide together softly, exploratory. </p><p> </p><p>“Kei,” Tadashi murmured against his lips, reverently, as if it were a prayer. “Kei, Kei, Kei.” Again, softer, like he was trying to memorize the sound passing his lips and imprint it into Kei’s own.</p><p> </p><p>“I like you too, Tadashi,” Kei replied earnestly, shivering at the use of his given name. </p><p> </p><p>They continued talkingー and kissing ーuntil far too late into the night.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-----</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>5am</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi gave up on counting the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling for the seventh time. He still vividly remembered when Kei had helped him plaster them on, trying to replicate the real constellations at first before giving up and just sticking them haphazardly all over Tadashi’s ceiling. He had always said that they reminded him of Tadashi’s freckles, scattered but with a sort of pleasing pattern in their randomness. That must have been in, what, elementary school? Tadashi couldn’t believe that it was already his high school graduation day.</p><p> </p><p>The only reason why Tadashi was awake and counting plastic stars in the first place was because he was so nervous. Change had always been something that scared Tadashi, so much so to the point where he had cried when Kei changed his glasses frames in middle school because he didn’t look the same anymore. And now, it seemed like everything was happening far too fast. </p><p> </p><p>He was leaving Karasuno for good, and never coming back, and that was scary. He thought of all the memories he made, both good and bad. Winning Nationals, dating Kei, and making so many new friendships were all solidly in the top, but there were some things that he could live without. Flashbacks of bullies shouting and spitting at him for everything from his freckles to his relationship with Kei came to mind; notes shoved in his locker with the word “FAGGOT” scribbled across them in permanent black ink, cruel sneers and not so subtle shoves in the hallway between classes or at lunch. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi needed to get his mind off things, so he did what he always did when he was feeling stressed or upset ー he called Kei. Kei, who was always right there when he needed him, so unwavering and steady in his devotion.</p><p> </p><p>Kei picked up on the second ring. “Nervous about graduation?”</p><p> </p><p>“How did you know?” Tadashi smiled to himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Because I know you, Yamaguchi. I’ll see you at our usual meeting spot in 15 minutes?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. Thanks, Tsukki.”</p><p> </p><p>Still smiling, Tadashi slipped on his shoes and out the door.</p><p> </p><p>The morning air was cool but crisp. He had occasionally joined Kageyama on his 5am runs before (the monster insisted on doing regular workouts outside of their already daily practices), so he was prepared for it with a light jacket and jeans. </p><p> </p><p>Rounding the corner to the convenience store where he and Kei would meet to walk to school together if they weren’t sleeping over, he spotted the blond leaning casually against the glass front. </p><p> </p><p>He had to stop for a moment to catch his breath and drink in the sight of Kei, all long legs and lean lines, the rising sun casting him in a pale orange light. Even before they had started dating, Tadashi always had his breath taken away by Kei. Now that he knew that Kei was his and only his, it only made the feeling even stronger.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Yamaguchi.” </p><p> </p><p>Unconsciously, Tadashi’s feet had brought him over to Kei. “You okay? You seem a little out of breath.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah I’m fine! I, uh, ran here.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei arched an eyebrow. “I just saw you walking around that corner.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah! I was, uh, running before that.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei clearly didn’t believe Tadashi but he let it slide, instead jerking his head towards the store. “You want anything? I don’t think they’re officially open but I’m sure we could convince Coach Ukai to warm up some meat buns or something.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I’m okay Tsukki, thanks though.”</p><p> </p><p>“Suit yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei started walking and Tadashi followed behind, falling into an easy rhythm. </p><p> </p><p>“Where are we going?”</p><p> </p><p>“I figured you would want to go to Karasuno, say your goodbyes before everyone else at the graduation ceremony.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi warmed again at how well Kei knew him, sometimes seeming like he knew Tadashi better than himself. He figured that it came with the years of knowing him, of spending time together and studying him like he studied dinosaurs or bugs. Kei had seen Tadashi broken to pieces and had fixed him back up, so he knew exactly how Tadashi ticked. Sometimes it was frustrating feeling so vulnerable to another person, like when they got into their rare but explosive fights and Kei knew exactly which buttons to push to make Tadashi go crazy. Most of the time though, it was comforting knowing that he could fully confide in Kei, who knew him inside and out and liked him anyway.</p><p> </p><p>They walked side by side in a comfortable silence until they reached the doors of Karasuno, where Tadashi began to hear the faint sounds of arguing coming from the gym. He looked over at Kei, who had an exasperated look on his face, and burst out into laughter.</p><p> </p><p>“Seems like Hinata and Kageyama had the same idea as us, huh? We’d better go greet them.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei rolled his eyes, but followed Tadashi into the gym, where the freak duo were indeed bickering over whether strawberry or banana milk tasted better. Tadashi chipped in advocating for chocolate milk, while Kei pretended he wasn’t interested, but drawled that obviously unflavoured milk was the best and people who thought otherwise were immature. They quarreled for another several minutes before the gym door squeaked open again and Yachi walked in. </p><p> </p><p>“Looks like the whole club is here,” Kei smirked.</p><p> </p><p>“Yachi! Tell Bakageyama that strawberry milk is <em> obviously </em>better than banana milk.”</p><p> </p><p>“I, uh, Iー,” Yachi floundered, eyes wide, looking for an answer that would appease everyone.</p><p> </p><p>“Leave the poor girl alone, you’ll give her a heart attack,” Kei scolded, picking Hinata up by his shirt collar like a puppy and dragging him away from Yachi.</p><p> </p><p>Once they had all gotten situated (it was eventually begrudgingly agreed upon that banana and strawberry milk were equally good), the five third years sat on the stone steps outside the gym. Yachi sat in the middle, with Tadashi and Kei sitting to her right. Hinata and Kageyama sat on her other side, the two having gotten over their dispute like magic. They all simply sat there for a while, watching the sun slowly creep its way over the horizon, before Tadashi broke the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“Soon we’ll be graduating.”</p><p> </p><p>The mood in the air was a strange mixture of tense and calm, jittery nerves and bittersweet nostalgia.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t really know how to feel about it. I mean, Karasuno is where I really found myself, you know? Who am I going to be outside of it?” Yachi’s voice trembled and trailed off.</p><p> </p><p>Surprisingly, it was Kageyama who replied. “You’ll still be smart and good at making posters and bossing people around when you want to.”</p><p> </p><p>Hinata perked up. “Yeah! I’m glad that we all went to Karasuno and met each other, but I also think that we’re going to be great people outside of it too!” He pumped his fist in the air, nearly punching Kageyama in the face, earning a hissed “Boke!”</p><p> </p><p>Yachi pondered for a bit, then mused, “Kiyoko did say that university was really nice.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re still in contact with Kiyoko-san?” Tadashi tilted his head, directing his question to Yachi.</p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah.” She blushed fiercely. Kei and Tadashi exchanged a quick glance, understanding passing through them.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi saved her from her awkwardness. “I’m sure that it will be nice. Hey Hinata, aren’t you and Kageyama going to the same university?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah!” Hinata exclaimed while Kageyama nodded. “He’ll have to set to me for another four years!”</p><p> </p><p>“If you two don’t fail every exam and get kicked out before that,” Kei uttered under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>“Mean, Tsukki!” Tadashi laughed, which made the rest of them laugh, even Kei himself.</p><p> </p><p>They fell into a comfortable silence, the air cleared of its tension. The five of them had gone through so much together over the past three years; what was graduation but another speed bump? They sat, content to simply keep each other company, a silent promise of support.</p><p> </p><p>Soon enough though, Hinata began complaining about the cold (“Maybe you shouldn’t have worn shorts then, dumbass” “How was I supposed to know it would be this cold!”) and Yachi made an offhand comment about having to get back home to start getting ready for the ceremony. They parted ways; Yachi left first, then the freak duo (Hinata a lot warmer now in Kageyama’s jacket), until Kei and Tadashi were alone again.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel a lot better now.” Tadashi slipped his hand into Kei’s, warming his cold fingers.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.” Kei squeezed lightly.</p><p> </p><p>“Remember the night before high school when I was so nervous that I would hate it? Look at me now, getting scared to leave,” Tadashi chucked.</p><p> </p><p>“The night where you climbed through my bedroom window?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh come on, I wasn’t <em> that </em> crazy. I just threw rocks until you woke up.” Tadashi grinned lopsidedly.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Right. Not crazy at all,” Kei teased, then laced their fingers together. </p><p> </p><p>“Come on, let’s go home.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>6am</b>
</p><p>
  <em> BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The loud blaring of the alarm clock reading 6am shocked Tadashi out of his peaceful slumber. Burying his head deeper into the pillow, he grabbed wildly for the alarm clock before slamming the snooze button.</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukkiiiii,” he groaned. “It is way too early for this.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nope. Get out of bed, sleepyhead.” Kei pulled away the blanket that had been covering Tadashi’s face, but softened the blow by dropping a brief kiss to his forehead.</p><p> </p><p>“I hate you,” Tadashi objected halfheartedly.</p><p> </p><p>“No, you don’t. Now get up, come on.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi had crashed at Kei’s dorm last night after they had gone out for dinner. Usually they would have ordered in or cooked a simple meal from scratch; then eaten it sitting around the rickety dining table that was missing a leg or, more likely, on the couch, Tadashi’s legs lying across Kei’s lap and some late night reality show playing on the tiny television. However, last night was special because, wellー</p><p> </p><p>“Happy anniversary!” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi pulled Kei in for a proper kiss. Even after a whole year of being able to do that whenever he wanted to, it still made Tadashi feel lightheaded and giddy.</p><p> </p><p>Kei wrinkled his nose. “Brush your teeth, then kiss me.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi gasped in fake offence before sitting up in bed and making his way to the cramped bathroom. He and Kei could never agree on what day their anniversary was actually on (Tadashi argued that it should be counted as the night of, since they had never gone to sleep, whereas Kei pointed out that it was past four in the morning, putting it solidly into the next day), so they just agreed on celebrating both days. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi had planned yesterday night’s date, a cozy dinner place just nice enough to justify wearing suits (just the memory of Kei in a suit made Tadashi feel flustered), followed by a small, family run bakery that had the absolute <em> best </em> strawberry shortcake, which was Kei’s favourite. As Tadashi brushed his teeth, he wondered what Kei had in store for them today that warranted waking up at six in the goddamn morning. As it turned out, he didn’t have to wonder for long. </p><p> </p><p>“Yamaguchi, do you know where I left my keys? I can’t remember.”</p><p> </p><p>“Have you checked the pocket of the coat you were wearing yesterday?”</p><p> </p><p>“Which one?”</p><p> </p><p>“The black one with the fancy collar.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I found them, thanks!”</p><p> </p><p>“Are we going on a drive?”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi finished up in the bathroom, then debated on what to wear. It wasn’t technically his dorm room, but he had a fairly sizable collection of clothes in a reserved drawer in Kei’s dresser. Tadashi picked out a pair of light wash jeans, then flipped through some long sleeve shirts, but decided on one of Kei’s hoodies instead. It was one of his favourites, cream coloured and worn and just long enough to have the ends cover his hands.</p><p> </p><p>Kei was already dressed and ready to go when Tadashi stepped out of the bedroom. “Is that mine?”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe,” Tadashi parroted.</p><p> </p><p>Kei pretended to look irritated but Tadashi could tell that he was secretly pleased as they walked out the doorway.</p><p> </p><p>The drive wasn’t too long, filled with quiet music playing from the radio and curious, prodding questions from Tadashi. Finally, they arrived at their destination, a secluded area at the top of the hill, overlooking much of Tokyo. When they had first come to Tokyo for university, everything had seemed so loud and bright and crowded. In response, Kei had made it his mission to seek out every remotely quiet spot within a 15km radius, preferably one with a good view, and it seemed like he had hit the jackpot here.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought we could watch the sunrise from here. I brought food.” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi heard the tinge of embarrassment in Kei’s voice, and couldn’t help poking a bit of fun. “Since when were you such a romantic?”</p><p> </p><p>“Since I started dating the biggest dork I know a year ago,” Kei replied without missing a beat.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi sighed. “Can you believe it’s been a full year already? It feels like we just started dating yesterday… but also like we’ve been dating since middle school.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I know what you mean.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi helped Kei spread out a picnic blanket and lay out a spread of pastries and fruits. It was still dark out when they drove up, but the sun was starting to peek out from behind the horizon, so the two boys sat down and settled in. Tadashi leaned his head against Kei’s shoulder and Kei wrapped an arm around Tadashi’s waist, sliding his hand into the hoodie pocket.</p><p> </p><p>The sunrise was beautiful. It painted the sky shades of pink, purple, orange, and yellow, with layers upon layers of fluffy clouds lit up from the bottom by the glowing sun. Tadashi watched it inch its way up the canvas of the sky, the light gradually growing and the colours shifting and changing. His body tingled pleasantly, warm and light, full from the food and the bone deep satisfaction. He nuzzled closer to his boyfriend, eyes drooping slightly, but they opened again when Kei spoke.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Tadashi.”</p><p> </p><p>A brief silence, then, “Took you long enough!” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi punched Kei’s arm as he stared incredulously. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m just kidding, I’m kidding. I love you too Kei, of course I do. I was too nervous to tell you first, but oh my god I love you, I love you, I love you!”</p><p> </p><p>And at risk of sounding cliché, Tadashi thought that the look on Kei’s face was more beautiful than any sunrise.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>7am</b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tadashi &lt;3 (sent 7:05am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> tsukki?? don’t you have a volleyball game today??  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> you left your jersey at my place </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tadashi &lt;3 (sent 7:15am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> hello?? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> oh no i hope you’re not already at the gym </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tadashi &lt;3 (sent 7:30am)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> doesn’t practice start now? and more importantly, don’t you need your jersey?? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i’m coming over </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi made his way briskly down the path. Snow drifted down lazily, spiraling around in the cold wind that nipped at Tadashi’s exposed face and hands, no matter how high up he pulled his scarf. Thankfully, they didn’t live too far away from each other, both of their dorm buildings tucked into the same corner of the sprawling university campus. However, Tadashi was worried. It wasn’t like Kei to not answer Tadashi’s texts unless he was at practice or in a class, especially since he knew how anxious Tadashi got. </p><p> </p><p>Kei had been scouted by this university at the end of their third year, and since they were also pretty well known for their academic program, he had accepted. It was a pleasant coincidence that it was also one of Tadashi’s top choices, although he knew that he would have followed Kei anywhere. Both of them still had to pass their entrance exams though, and on top of the Spring Nationals Tournament, that meant many early morning volleyball practices and late night study sessions. </p><p> </p><p>They didn’t make it to Nationals. On the bright side though, they did both make it into the university of their choice. They had packed up their belongings, said their goodbyes to their friends and family in Miyagi, and taken the train to Tokyo. Kei was balancing volleyball practice and weekly games while working towards his degree in physics, while Tadashi was studying architecture and literature, which left them both busy, frazzled, and stressed. On top of that, the workload left very little time for them to see each other, especially since they studied in different buildings. Tadashi found himself often having to remind Kei to do things like eat breakfast and shower, which is why he really shouldn’t be surprised that Kei had forgotten his volleyball jersey.</p><p> </p><p>The dorm building finally came into view. Tadashi rubbed his hands together while waiting for the elevator to arrive, then made his way to Kei’s room, nearly bumping into the doorframe in his haste. His roommate was out, probably sleeping over with his girlfriend, but the room wasn’t empty. Kei was lying on his bed, still very much asleep, cell phone sat charging on the desk with the six missed messages from Tadashi.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi shook Kei’s shoulder, an edge of panic in his voice. “Tsukki! Tsukki, wake up, you’ll be late for your game today!”</p><p> </p><p>Kei groaned sleepily, but sat up in bed. Tadashi’s heart skipped a beat at the look of Kei’s bedhead (Kei had grown out his hair since high school until it brushed his ears in soft waves) and hooded eyes, still soft from sleep and larger than they looked when he wore his glasses. </p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi? What? Why are you here?”</p><p> </p><p>“Look at the time!”</p><p> </p><p>Kei glanced over at the clock, but still looked vaguely confused.</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukki, your volleyball game is in 15 minutes and you’re still in your pyjamas. Plus, you left your jersey at my place.”</p><p> </p><p>At that, Kei’s eyes widened. “Shit, the volleyball game! It totally slipped my mind, I must have forgotten to set an alarm.”</p><p> </p><p>“Aren’t you glad you have such a responsible boyfriend?” Tadashi huffed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Kei said sarcastically, but gave him a genuine smile.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi shooed Kei out of bed and passed him his jersey, then pushed him into the bathroom to get ready. A record four minutes later, Kei came out, decently freshened up and ready to go. </p><p> </p><p>“Walk me to the bus stop?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure Tsukki, I don’t have class until the afternoon anyway.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei grabbed his sports bag and a water bottle, then they ran out the door, slowing to a walk when they reached the little bus stop at the end of the road. </p><p> </p><p>“Which bus is it again?” Kei asked with a furrowed brow.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi blinked. “The forty-six. You take it every week to get to the venue.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right. Sorry, guess I’m still not fully awake yet.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi chuckled, then pressed a swift kiss to Kei’s cheek as he saw the bus coming around the corner. “Good luck!”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, but I won’t need it.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei walked onto the bus and Tadashi watched as the doors closed behind him, standing in the swirling snow until the bus was out of sight.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>--------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>8am</b>
</p><p>A loud thud echoed through the apartment as Tadashi set down the cardboard box in his arms. </p><p> </p><p>“I think that was the last one!”</p><p> </p><p>Music played from the small speaker perched on the coffee table and the morning sun streamed in through the open window. Kei and Tadashi stood in the middle of their new living room, both sticky and sweaty from carrying boxes up and down stairs since about six in the morning. It was the rare day where both of them were free, so they wanted to get an early start at moving in and unpacking.</p><p> </p><p>After a year of living on campus in the university dorms, they had decided that it would be more comfortable and convenient to rent a small apartment together for their second year of university. It would allow them to spend more time together, even though they had practically lived in each other’s dorms throughout the last year. Best of all though, they had a space all to themselves, with no drunk roommates or loud music blasting through thin walls. The apartment wasn’t large, but it was cozy and enough for the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>“No more dorm rooms! I feel like a real adult now,” Tadashi declared. “Goodbye, three legged tableー”</p><p> </p><p>“Communal showersー” Kei chimed in.</p><p> </p><p>“Carpets that always smelled like beerー”</p><p> </p><p>“Lumpy mattressesー”</p><p> </p><p>“Loud neighboursー”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, we don’t know that for sure yet,” Kei mused.</p><p> </p><p>“But doesn’t it just <em> feel </em> nicer?” Tadashi beamed. “I’m so glad we moved in together, Tsukki.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just glad that we don’t have to put up with those dorms anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>The two started unpacking boxes, labelled carefully with Kei’s meticulous handwriting. They began sorting in the kitchen first, falling into an easy pattern of wiping, passing, stacking, and organizing dishes before storing them into the cupboards. Being broke university students, they only had a few of each type of serveware, all chipped and mismatched, but it was still homey.</p><p> </p><p>Kei felt utterly domestic, but he strangely didn’t hate it. The calm atmosphere and the sound of Tadashi’s off key singing was soothing, comforting. Kei wanted to spend as much time with Tadashi as possible. Even the simple prospects of unpacking boxes and cooking meals together and sleeping in the same bed every night made his heart warm and fingertips prickle. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t help but start to imagine their future life together, the two of them in their own little universe in this cozy apartment they could call their own. Movie nights laughing at bad acting over salty, buttery popcorn; pillow fights and blanket forts on rainy nights; waking up together in bed; cuddling on the couch until they fell asleep; helping and pressuring each other to study; raising a plant together; and a million other tiny, mundane things.</p><p> </p><p>He could see a long future stretching out with Tadashi. Tadashi was warm and full of hope and promise. Tadashi was <em> home</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Kei placed the last item in his box in its rightful place then tried to retrieve the next box, but his head spun when he tried to stand up. The floor seemed to tilt and sway under his feet, and he was slightly short of breath, even though they had finished most of the hard labour a while ago. That was weird. Shaking his head to clear his mind, Kei strided over to the teetering pile of cardboard boxes. </p><p> </p><p>What was he here for again? Right, mugs. Kei rummaged through a couple of the boxes labelled “kitchen”, but couldn’t find them. Would they be with the cutlery? </p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi? Do you remember what box the mugs are in?”</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t you pack them yourself, like, two days ago?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not helping.” Kei frowned. Did he pack them? He couldn’t recall.</p><p> </p><p>A triumphant cry came a few minutes later from the living room. “Found them! Why were they with the Christmas ornaments?”</p><p> </p><p>Baffled, Kei shrugged. “No idea.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well since we brought them out, we may as well use them. Besides, it’s quarter to nine, time for a break anyways.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi added a spoonful of instant coffee to each of the mugs while Kei boiled some water, then added it to the mugs and stirred. Tadashi pouted when Kei told him he couldn’t add cream because they hadn’t gone grocery shopping yet, but he did manage to find the sugar and add two heaping tablespoons. Tadashi took a sip, then handed Kei’s mug to him. Black, the way he liked it. </p><p> </p><p>Kei moved around the counter, intending to get back to work, but his hand shook and slipped and he ended up spilling the full mug of hot coffee all over himself and the carpet under his feet. He hissed in pain, cradling his hand, which had received the worst of the splash, to his chest. Kei watched as the mug tumbled, almost in slow motion, hitting the ground and shattering into a dozen pieces. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay? Did you burn yourself?” Tadashi fretted, reaching out to guide Kei’s hand under the sink and run cool water over it.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay,” Kei faltered, still slightly in shock. “But the mug 一”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi waved his hand dismissively. “It’s fine, we can replace it.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei let Tadashi worry over him and bandage him up and kiss him better, but he watched out of the corner of his eye as the spilled coffee slowly seeped its way into the bright white rug, creating a stain that would never come out.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>---------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>9am</b>
</p><p>Kei hated 9am classes. They sounded just late enough where you think that you can sleep in, but were always just early enough where you could never get a decent amount of sleep. On top of that, he’d been exhausted all the time recently, but could never fall asleep when he did manage to get to bed. Some days when he woke up it felt as if his head was in a literal cloud of its own, half formed thoughts swirling around like the dregs of leaves at the bottom of a cold cup of tea. He chalked it up to exhaustion from university, the stress from balancing an overflowing schedule finally getting to him.</p><p> </p><p>Today was one of those mentally cloudy days. He gripped the cup of coffee in his hands, already his second cup of the day, to try and ground himself in reality. It was only the beginning of his second year, and he was already feeling overwhelmed from the amount of work. He was headed towards Introductory Astrophysics, a course he was looking forward to when he signed up for it but now could barely tolerate. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Tsukishima-kun!” A girl with shiny black hair tied back into a ponytail walked up to him. <em> Tadashi looked good when he put his hair up in a ponytail </em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello…?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ito Hiyori. I’m in your Introductory Astrophysics class.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah.” Kei tried to recall who she was, but he couldn’t. </p><p> </p><p>He must have looked confused, because she giggled before adding, “I was away last class, and you said that I could borrow your notes?”</p><p> </p><p>He had no idea why he would have agreed to lending notes to someone he didn’t know, but he figured that past him must have had a good reason, so he pulled them out of his bag anyway. “Right. Here.”</p><p> </p><p>She brightened up and thanked him, touching his arm gently. “I’ll return them after class. Should we head over now?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei could barely pay attention in class, vaguely jotting down whatever was on the slides the professor projected onto the screen. His fingers trembled and he had dropped his pencil a few times already. Probably jitters from the caffeine. He dug through his bag searching for his calculator when the professor showed a practice question, but he must have left it at home. Damnit. Oh whatever, he’d do the questions later. </p><p> </p><p>After what seemed like an eternity, the professor dismissed the class with a bit of homework and a few reminders. Kei jotted them down in his planner, double checking that his next class was in an hour, then started packing up. He was just about to leave when the girl from earlier一 Haruka, was it? 一came up and thanked him profusely for the notes, laughing lightly and letting her hand linger on his arm. Kei squirmed uncomfortably. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you free after class again?” The girl cooed.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Kei lied bluntly. Thankfully, he spotted Tadashi standing just outside the lecture hall, arms crossed over a stack of books.</p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi! Sorry, got to go.” Kei didn’t look back as he fell into step with Tadashi. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, how was class? Are we heading to the cafe as usual?” Kei asked.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi didn’t answer, just pursed his lips and fidgeted with his fingers, like he did whenever he was anxious or upset.</p><p> </p><p>“So… how is Hiyori-san?” Tadashi sounded tentative.</p><p> </p><p>“Who?” </p><p> </p><p>Kei and Tadashi were walking to a nearby cafe in the time between their classes. Kei probably shouldn’t have another coffee, but he valued the little pockets of time they carved out of their schedules to spend time with each other.</p><p> </p><p>“The girl you were talking to during class. I came to drop off your calculator because you left it on the table at home, but you seemed to be in a conversation.”</p><p> </p><p>“She asked me for notes, but I don’t know her.”</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t you get coffee with her two weeks ago?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei searched his mind, but the edges were cloudy and his thoughts were slippery. Did he have coffee with this girl? He blanked out, and instead of just telling him no, “Why do you care? It doesn’t matter anyway”, came out instead.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi stopped dead in his tracks, turning on his heel to look up at Kei, brows drawn and lips pressed into a thin line. “Really, Kei?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei didn’t understand why Tadashi looked angry. “I get coffee with you almost every day,” he stated.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not <em> about </em> that.” Kei was confused. What else would it be about? “Nevermind. I have to go home, I, uh, left my textbook there.”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want me to come with you?” Kei called out, but Tadashi had already started walking away.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi stormed down the path, knowing that he was acting childish. His textbook was sitting in his bag, he just needed to get away from Kei for a moment. He knew that Kei was extremely socially perceptive with other people. On a volleyball court, he was able to read the opposing setter’s body language and block with a high degree of success, and he’d been able to immediately tell when Hinata and Kageyama started dating in their first year of university. Tadashi knew from experience that Kei’s sharp gold eyes could feel like they were looking straight into your soul, taking apart any lies or walls.</p><p> </p><p>However, Tadashi also knew that he didn’t have the same clarity when it came to himself, or specifically, how others felt about him. After all, he didn’t even notice that his best friend was in love with him for years. Tadashi <em> knew </em> this, but still felt the jealousy bubble over in his gut as he thought about Hiyori, the pretty girl with the perfect hair and flawless skin who had class with Kei every week. She was so obviously flirting with him, asking for notes and to go out after class nearly every time she saw him. How could Kei not notice that? What was <em> wrong </em> with him?</p><p> </p><p>Kei rubbed his eyes as he stood outside the cafe and watched as Tadashi disappeared from sight. God, he was so tired. He needed a nap. Or another cup of coffee.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>----------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>10am</b>
</p><p>Tadashi deliberated between a blue button down shirt and the charcoal turtleneck. He had already chosen out a pair of dark tapered slacks that fit criminally well to his legs, as well as socks printed with tiny cats and a simple pair of black loafers. On one hand, the charcoal shirt would make him look more sophisticated, but the blue shirt provided a pop of colour and Kei did say that Tadashi looked good in blue…</p><p> </p><p>“Kei?” Yamaguchi called.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?” The reply came from the living room.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you wearing?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, sweatpants and a t-shirt?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I mean what are you wearing out?”</p><p> </p><p>“Out?” </p><p> </p><p>Kei walked into the room, indeed dressed down in sweatpants and an old t-shirt that had a green cartoon dinosaur printed on it, white headphones slung casually around his neck. He was clutching his notebook, and a pen dangled from his right hand, probably in the middle of studying or writing a paper. “What are you doing? Why are you getting dressed at half past ten on a Saturday morning?”</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t the reservation for eleven?”</p><p> </p><p>“Reservation? What’s the occasion?”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi looked at Kei, a hurt expression on his face. “It’s November 10th…”</p><p> </p><p>Kei frowned, adjusting his glasses. Something about that day seemed important, so familiar that it triggered an instinctive reaction from him, and yet it was as if he were trying to grasp at a piece of information just out of reach. Why was November 10th so important?</p><p> </p><p>“It’s my birthday…” Yamaguchi said quietly.</p><p> </p><p>A wave of guilt crashed into Kei. Of <em> course </em> . How could he forget? Tadashi was the most significant person in his life. They had celebrated their birthdays together every year for over a decade. Birthdays were <em> special. </em> After his tenth birthday, they made a tradition out of staying up until midnight just to make sure they were the first people to wish each other happy birthday. They would gorge themselves on cake and ice cream, Kei indulging his secret sweet tooth, and exchange presents, always able to predict exactly what the other wanted. Birthdays were days when they could just forget about the rest of the world and enjoy celebrating with each other. Neither of them had many friends until high school, so it had always just been the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>A cold sense of dread settled in the pit of his stomach and his thoughts began to spiral. He was such a terrible person, he didn’t deserve someone as good as Tadashi when he forgot his <em> birthday. </em></p><p> </p><p>Tadashi peered up at Kei, who had such a remorseful expression on his face that Tadashi walked forward and wrapped his arms around Kei’s waist, pulling him into his smaller frame. He tucked his head under Kei’s chin, where it still fit perfectly after all these years. Although it was comforting, Tadashi couldn’t help but feel that something was inherently wrong, like the entire universe had shifted one centimetre over.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Tadashi could feel the vibrations in Kei’s throat.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.” They didn’t have to say anything else, just stood in silence, fitted against each other like puzzle pieces. Even after the apology, Tadashi still felt uneasy. He knew Kei didn’t mean any harm, but he had never forgotten his birthday before, and it seemed especially weird since he had promised to make a reservation at their favourite restaurant just last week. </p><p> </p><p>“We can still go out,” Kei offered. “I can get changedー”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine. The restaurant will probably be full, and I’d rather stay in anyway.” The lie tasted bitter on Tadashi’s tongue. While he usually did prefer ordering in pizza and cuddling with Kei on the couch, he was really looking forward to today. It seemed like they hadn’t been able to go on a proper date in ages, considering their busy schedules, and birthdays were always something that the two of them celebrated. Tadashi sighed, then reluctantly withdrew himself from their embrace. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m gonna go order some food, okay?” </p><p> </p><p>Kei mutely nodded in agreement, letting Tadashi slip from his arms and walk to the kitchen where they kept a stack of takeout menus. Kei watched Tadashi, still dressed in his slacks, dial a number and press his phone to his ear. Kei’s stomach tightened and his muscles tensed, not from hunger, but from the strange feeling of disappointing Tadashi. He wanted to apologize again, wanted to go out and buy a chocolate cake, to hold and kiss Tadashi and tell him happy birthday a million times. But it was too late. He had already forgotten, already messed it all up. Things were starting to change.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-----------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>11am</b>
</p><p>The plastic seat was hard and cold under Tadashi, but he barely noticed. He was focused on the volleyball court, where there was a game between their volleyball team and another nearby university. He hadn’t managed to catch a game since their third year at university started, so he was excited to watch. He secretly also wanted to surprise Kei, who thought that he was in class. </p><p> </p><p>It was nostalgic to be back here, to see the familiar court lines and hear the squeaking of shoes on the floor, the smell of sweat and deodorant. Tadashi had stopped playing volleyball after high school, even though he was the captain of an up and coming powerhouse school in his third year. However, he still tried his best to catch one of Kei’s games every so often, swinging by to check in on him. The rest of the volleyball team knew they were dating and weren’t weird about it at all, which Tadashi was thankful for. He suspected that Kei had defended him and maybe talked to some of the players about it, but he had never outright said it or took credit for it.</p><p> </p><p>Their current captain was a sturdy and friendly wing spiker who reminded Tadashi a lot of Daichi and had gone out of his way to make Kei feel welcome. Tadashi cheered as he hit a line shot and scored a point for their team. The first set had just begun, and the score was tied 4-4. Kei was up to serve next. Tadashi drank in the sight of him, clad in the simple blue and black uniform, even taller than he was in high school. He watched as Kei spun the ball, once, twice, then tossed it up and hit over a simple overhand serve. Odd. Even though serves were always more of Tadashi’s thing, Kei had made a point of asking Tadashi for help on his jump serve all the way back in high school, which he had used consistently since. Why would Kei go for a much weaker overhand serve? The other team’s libero picked it up easily and passed it to the setter, who set it to their ace and the other team took the point. Tadashi grimaced. What was Kei thinking?</p><p> </p><p>Kei panted, lungs burning and legs trembling. He could barely keep his arms raised, eyes darting around the court, following the pattern of receive, set, spike, receive, set, spike. They were quickly falling behind and he was already tired. Kei gritted his teeth, forcing himself to push through it and jumped to block the hitter that was preparing to spike, but he was a full second too late and he could only feel the air rush by his fingers as the ball passed him, narrowly being received by their captain. </p><p> </p><p>“Get the next one!” Kei heard someone yell from the sidelines. His brain was scrambled, too many things happening at once. He blindly jumped again, but his timing was too early this time, and he barely got a single finger on the ball. They did, however, get the point with a sneaky cross court shot. </p><p> </p><p>Sweat poured down his face and Kei could feel the tightness in his muscles as he tensed and began a run up to spike. He fumbled every receive, earning dirty glances left and right, but Kei could barely register them. When it was his turn to serve again, he chose an overhead serve over a jump serve again, not trusting his own legs.</p><p> </p><p>Kei was back on the front line. He watched the ball sail through the air to the other team’s setter and confidently jumped left, only to have the setter dump the ball right in front of him and then shoot him a taunting look through the net. He curled his lip in response, using his superior height to glare him down. Volleyball was as much a mental game as it was a physical game, and he was the king of psyching his opponents out. The setter finally relented, turning on his heel and striding back to his position.</p><p> </p><p>Kei blinked suddenly. Why was the setter wearing green? Shouldn’t Oikawa be wearing his Aoba Johsai jersey? He looked down, confused. In fact, these weren’t the right colours either. Why wasn’t he wearing his black and orange number eleven shirt? He looked around the court wildly. Where was everyone else? Where were Tadashi, Hinata, and Kageyama? He couldn’t find any of the second or third years either. Why weren’t they on the court with him? Karasuno had to beat Aoba Johsai to get to Nationals! This was the most important volleyball game they had played yet! A cloud of panic settled in. He was so distraught that he completely missed when it was time to rotate, only coming to attention at his coach’s shrill whistle. </p><p> </p><p>“Tsukishima! Get off the court, you’re switching with Kaede.”</p><p> </p><p>He stumbled off the court, taking a number plate from a nervous looking first year middle blocker, still in a daze.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know what has gotten into you these past few months, but I expect better from you,” his coach hissed. “You better start improving again, or you’re getting kicked off the first string.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Coach Ukai.” Waitー that wasn’t Coach Ukai, with his signature blond hair and scowl. This man had cropped grey hair and thick eyebrows. Kei was overwhelmed, and confused. “IーI’m going to get some water.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei staggered out of the gym, head spinning and body throbbing in pain. He nearly walked right into Tadashi, who stood, out of breath, in the hall just outside the doors.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay? I ran down from the stands as soon as I saw you leaving the gym,” Tadashi puffed.</p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi. Why are you here?” Or was he supposed to be here? Kei couldn’t think clearly, but he knew that Tadashi always made him feel better, that everything was better when he was around. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi cupped Kei’s face in his hands. “You look so pale. I noticed that your serving and blocking was also off today. What’s wrong?” </p><p> </p><p>The response was automatic. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.”</p><p> </p><p>“Kei, you’re shaking and missed a bunch of easy blocks in the first set alone. You used to play five set games in high school without breaks, and now you’re in this state after just one?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine, Tadashi! You’re not my mother,” Kei spat.</p><p> </p><p>“You weren’t even this haggard looking after Ushijima nearly broke your finger in that game against Shiratorizawa. I don’t think you’re fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, maybe I’ve changed since high school! You would know that if you actually came to any of my games,” Kei snapped. He instantly regretted it, wanting to swallow the words back down, but the damage was already done.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi’s face withered, then hardened into a steely mask. “At least I try! I’m double majoring in two difficult subjects and you’re practically failing just one because you can’t keep your test dates straight! Who’s the one who buys the groceries, does the laundry, and picks up after <em> your </em> messes?” Tadashi seethed. “I’m just trying to be nice, but <em> not everything is about you, Kei </em>!”</p><p> </p><p>“If everything isn’t about me, maybe you should leave then. After all, I’m not worth sticking around for, am I?” Kei sneered. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my game.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei’s hands shook as he adjusted his sports glasses and stepped back into the gym, leaving Tadashi behind standing in the hall, looking lost and alone.</p><p> </p><p>------------</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>12pm</b>
</p><p>It had been a few days since the volleyball game (they ended up losing in straight sets) and Tadashi and Kei were still walking on eggshells around each other. They had found excuses to be out of the house as much as possible, but when they were home their normally comfortable silences were instead filled with tension and unease. Both of them were stubborn and prideful, waiting for the other to apologize, but the days had grated down on them and at this point they were both itching to just let it go and move on. </p><p> </p><p>They had fought before, of course, but it was over trivial things, like the best Jurassic Park movie or whether pirates or ninjas were cooler. As they grew up, the fights had changed to be over things of greater significance, but they had always blown over fairly quickly. They knew each other too well, knew every flaw and emotion and argument. They also knew that they needed each other, relied on each other too much to let a stupid argument get between them. One of them always ended up apologizing after a matter of hours or at most a day or two.</p><p> </p><p>So far, their biggest fight had been last year when Tadashi had gotten jealous over that one girl in Kei’s classes. He had been too embarrassed to admit it, but broke down and explained everything the next night. Kei had reassured him that he barely knew her and that nobody could ever come close to replacing Tadashi. He had held Tadashi close and kissed the top of his head, the tips of his ears, the lids of his eyes, the bridge of his nose, the freckles sprinkled across his face, and finally his lips. He had kissed him and kissed him and kissed him until all of Tadashi’s worries of not being enough melted away. “You’ll always be first in my mind, you know that right? I could never forget about you.” Tadashi had teased him for being a sap, but was secretly delighted, especially since Kei was usually terrible at expressing his affection.</p><p> </p><p>This time though, it was Kei who gave in. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he stated plainly, causing Tadashi to look up from his phone and the bowl of instant ramen he was eating for lunch. </p><p> </p><p>“For?” Tadashi prompted, raising an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“You know what for.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you do it?”</p><p> </p><p>“I was… confused. I’ve been feeling weird and off lately, and during the game I thought that the other team was Aoba Johsai and that we were back in our first year of high school making our way to Nationals. It’s like the memory… overlapped my vision and it overwhelmed me, which is why I snapped at you. So I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“That sounds really serious, Kei.” Tadashi hesitated. “You should go see a doctor.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I don’t need to, I’m managing just fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“Kei, you mixed up something that happened six years ago with something that happened six days ago. Plus, you always seem to be tired and shaky lately... actually, for the past several months.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s just stress.” Kei insisted. He couldn’t let Tadashi notice that he woke up with migraines almost every day and he felt perpetually dizzy. Kei had hoped to just apologize quickly and cut through the tension, but defending himself only made his head throb more. Why were they even fighting in the first place again? Kei could see Tadashi’s lips moving, probably scolding or lecturing him, but his hearing had gone fuzzy, as if his head were dunked underwater. The table beneath his hands began to slip in and out of view, and he was so <em> tired </em>. </p><p> </p><p>“Tadashiー” he managed to choke out, then everything went black.</p><p> </p><p>When Kei woke up, the first thing he noticed was the smell of disinfectant. He opened his eyes, taking in the sight of beeping machines under the bright overhead lights. </p><p> </p><p>“Kei! You bastard, don’t ever do that to me again!” Tadashi stood up from his chair, leaned over the bed and grabbed Kei’s arms.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened? Where am I?”</p><p> </p><p>“You passed out in the middle of the kitchen, I had to call an ambulance. You’re in the hospital now, the doctor should be back soon.”</p><p> </p><p>The hospital… that explained the unfamiliar room and bright lights. Kei couldn’t believe he had honestly <em> fainted </em>.</p><p> </p><p>“How… how long was I out for?”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi pulled out his phone to check the time. “It’s nearly one, so forty five minutes or so?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei swallowed. His throat was dry and swollen, but the pounding in his head had receded temporarily. “I’m sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi lowered his head. “I’m just glad you’re okay, and I’m sorry for picking a fight. I, uh, told the doctor about what happened earlier, along with all the other memory stuff. They ran a lot of tests while you were unconscious, but nobody has come back to update us yet.”</p><p> </p><p>Just as he finished speaking, a woman in a white coat walked into the room.</p><p> </p><p>“Doctor!” Tadashi’s eyes brightened for a moment, then he saw the regretful look on her face. “Doctor?”</p><p> </p><p>Her eyebrows were drawn together and she gripped a few sheets of paper tightly in her hand. The air was suddenly tense. Walking forward hesitantly, she spoke.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so sorry. You may want to sit down for this.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>1pm</b>
</p><p>“Tadashi! It’s been so long, how are you?” The slightly tinny voice of Kei’s mother bubbled from Tadashi’s phone. It was pressed so hard against the side of his head that it started to hurt from the effort of trying to keep his hands from shaking.</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukishima-san... hi.” Tadashi tried to keep his voice level. “I’m calling about Kei.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well I’m glad <em> someone </em> is looking out for him. Since you two left Miyagi, I’ve barely heard from him, only the occasional text or call. How is he doing?”</p><p> </p><p>“He’s fine now, in class actually. But…” Tadashi shut his eyes, trying to figure out how to tell her, deciding that a direct approach was probably best. “He collapsed a few days ago and had to go to the hospital.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Her voice was fraught with alarm.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi swallowed, hoping he was making the right decision by telling Kei’s family. Since the hospital visit, Kei had refused to talk to them or tell them anything, which forced Tadashi to wait until he was in class to secretly call them, thankful that the phone number hadn’t changed since their high school days.</p><p> </p><p>“Tsukishima-san, does your family have any history of health issues?”</p><p> </p><p>“Myー my cousin had heart surgery a few years ago and Kei’s grandfather passed away from Alzheimer’s when he was a baby, but what does that have to do with Kei?”</p><p> </p><p>“The doctors believe he has a genetic disorder that targets the nervous system,” Tadashi said robotically, almost able to hear the doctor’s voice echoing the same words, the words that had changed and flipped their lives upside down. “They caught it fairly early, but there is no cure.”</p><p> </p><p>There was nothing but shocked silence from the other side of the phone. Tadashi squeezed his eyes shut. When the doctor had first broken the news to him, he had reacted the exact same way, simply sitting in shock. This had to be a joke. There was no way that Kei, his Kei could be sick, could be sick <em> beyond a cure </em> . Nothing made sense, because it was impossible, it couldn’t be happening, not to him, not to <em> them </em>. They were supposed to be invincible. They were the protagonists in their story, not side characters to be killed off before the hero came in and saved the world. Tadashi had done nothing but sit in silence for days on end, unable to process what was happening. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn’t accept it, but at the same time there was a twisting in his gut and a visceral feeling of so many things falling into place. The faltering memory and forgotten keys, the shaky hands and slipping grades. When Kei had forgotten Tadashi’s birthday. When he had changed from a jump serve to an overhead serve. Kei had attributed them to simply being a university student, blaming the late nights and the early mornings and the stress, and Tadashi had believed him, like he always had. Why would Kei lie to him? </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi should have noticed sooner, he should have noticed years ago. There were a hundred warning signs, a thousand red flags, and even though Kei was the one who was visually impaired, Tadashi was the one too blind to see them.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi’s numbness morphed into fury towards himself. He hated himself for being so weak and stupid, despised himself for letting things progress this far, for not noticing that the person he loved was hurting so badly. Kei was the one constant thing in his life, and Tadashi had clung onto him so desperately that he didn’t realize that he was changing, slipping and chipping away like a rock being molded down by persistent waves. Kei had changed, and Tadashi didn’t handle change well.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi was shaken out of his stupor by a crackled, shaky voice. “How much time does he have left?”</p><p> </p><p>“The doctors aren’t sure… but it’ll likely be years. His lifestyle will have to change though. He might gradually forget more important things, or be more prone to physical weakness. As well, there will likely be episodes of… mental and physical distress.”</p><p> </p><p>He heard a confused sigh on the other end, half relieved and half heartbroken. “You’ll take care of him, won’t you, Tadashi?”</p><p> </p><p>For as long as they had known each other, it had always been Kei taking care of Tadashi. Kei had been the one to stare down bullies and tend to wounded knees and offer a shoulder to cry on. Tadashi had simply taken it for granted, and accepted that this was the way things would always be. Even so, Tadashi didn’t hesitate for even a moment.</p><p> </p><p>“I will <em> always </em> be there for him,” he choked out vehemently. </p><p> </p><p>“You always have been,” Kei’s mother said softly, forlornly.</p><p> </p><p>They talked for a while longer, offering some much needed support. Tadashi had sworn her to secrecy about the call, even though she had offered to take the train to Tokyo the very next day. Kei was still adjusting to the news, the last thing he needed was to know that Tadashi had betrayed his trust, even if it was a stupid desicion in the first place. Besides, they still had time, right?</p><p> </p><p>After hanging up, Tadashi checked the time and saw that he still had over an hour until his 3pm class. He was feeling restless and in need of some fresh air, so he slipped on some running shoes and left the house. The sun beat down on him, though it wasn’t even summer yet. Tadashi set up a brisk pace, occasionally nodding to the other students around campus. He didn’t quite know where he was headed, just letting his feet take him wherever they wanted to go. He had Google Maps to take him home if he got lost.</p><p> </p><p>After about ten minutes of jogging, Tadashi was hopelessly lost. He had ended up on the top of a large hill, in a secluded neighbourhood with soaring trees on either side. He sprinted down the road, wanting to just run and feel the wind whipping at his face, his feet pounding on the asphalt and the feeling of just letting go. His lungs heaved, but it only made him feel more alive. Tadashi let out a delighted laugh. When was the last time he felt this free, this happy? He had to tell Kei about this. He would love it, Kei had always loved heights. </p><p> </p><p>At the thought of Kei, the sudden euphoria left like the flip of a switch. Kei wouldn’t be able to go and run down hills with Tadashi anymore. Kei wouldn’t be able to carry Tadashi up the stairs, or slow dance in their kitchen in the middle of the night with Tadashi stepping on his feet anymore. For the first time, the fact that Kei was sick really settled in, sliding down Tadashi’s throat and settling heavily in the pit of his stomach. Kei was sick, and he wasn’t going to get better. How could Tadashi enjoy himself when that was the reality that Kei faced? How could he still feel <em> happy </em>? </p><p> </p><p>Guilt punched him in the gut, making him double over in pain. It started to eat away at him from the inside out, corroding and coiling in his guts before burning up his chest, spreading through his veins and sitting heavy on his tongue, consuming every bit of him to the very tips of his fingers.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi stopped abruptly, realizing he had reached the very bottom of the hill. The shadows from the trees that had seemed so playful before were suddenly ominous, pressing down on him from all sides. When had it gotten this dark? </p><p> </p><p>He turned around for a moment, disoriented and confused. His vision was blurred by tears, either from the stinging wind or the heavy guilt, but he eventually set eyes on the hill again. It would be a long and steep climb back.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>--</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>2pm</b>
</p><p>It was a gradual change. After his diagnosis, it seemed like not much had changed. Kei had seemed his usual self, continuing his studies and spending time with Tadashi. He had to quit the volleyball team, but took even that in stride, only moping for a few days. In fact, he seemed to be even more robust, fighting against his sentence, refusing to succumb to his illness. At least, for a while. </p><p> </p><p>His episodes of forgetfulness, bouts of dizziness and vertigo that made him collapse on the floor grew more frequent and violent. However, he never let Tadashi help him, always becoming angry and pushing him away. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” he insisted, over and over again, as if repeating the lie would make it true. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re <em> sick, </em>” Tadashi pleaded, after Kei spent the last hour in the bathroom vomiting up his lunch, but to no avail. </p><p> </p><p>“So what? Let’s go on a walk.” Kei glared at him with his sharp gold eyes, daring Tadashi to deny him. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi, of course, couldn’t say no, even though he could see that Kei was in pain. He helped him shrug on a light jacket, as the early autumn air was starting to get chilly. They walked out of the apartment, Tadashi grabbing onto Kei’s arm pretending to need support while actually silently offering Kei his own strength. </p><p> </p><p>They strolled at a leisurely pace down the campus paths, arms linked, Tadashi slowing down whenever he sensed Kei trying to catch his breath. At one point, Kei’s knee buckled and Tadashi had to grab onto him, but Kei just gritted his teeth and forced himself to stand further upright. As they rounded the corner to the gym where Kei used to play volleyball, Tadashi spotted a familiar head of poofy orange hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Hinata?”</p><p> </p><p>Hinata whirled around, jumping in delight when he saw Tadashi and Kei. “Yamaguchi!! Tsukishima!! It’s so nice to see you guys again!!”</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing here?” Yamaguchi sputtered out.</p><p> </p><p>Hinata tilted his head. “What do you mean? We’re here to play your school in a volleyball match, the first match of the school year! I thought Tsukishima would have already known that? Actually, shouldn’t you be inside getting ready?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, well, actuallyー”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi was interrupted by Kageyama sticking his head out the gym doors. “Oi, Shouyou, come in already, the game is starting soon. Oh, hi, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, why are you out here in the first place?” Tadashi asked.</p><p> </p><p>“I was, uh, looking for the bathroom but I got a bit turned around. I mean, whose dumb idea was it to put the bathrooms in a different building?” Hinata turned a light shade of pink.</p><p> </p><p>“I see you haven’t changed since high school. Clearly you haven’t grown, either.” Kei deadpanned, smirking just a bit.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up, Stingyshima! I grew five centimeters! Besides, what happened to you? You’re whiter than a ghost, and if anything you shrunk since the last time I saw you!”</p><p> </p><p>Both Tadashi and Kei winced at that.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s going on?” Kageyama retorted. “Both of you need to get in here, or else we’re going to miss the game.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not on the volleyball team anymore,” Kei said plainly.</p><p> </p><p>“What?!” Hinata exclaimed. “Why not?”</p><p> </p><p>“Kei is… sick.” Yamaguchi explained, after Kei only gave Hinata a dull stare.</p><p> </p><p>“Sick like… the flu?” Kageyama looked puzzled.</p><p> </p><p>“Sick like I can’t play volleyball anymore.” Kei finally stated.</p><p> </p><p>“Whaaaat? No more volleyball?” Hinata wailed.</p><p> </p><p>“I have a disease that is slowly eating away at my strength and mental awareness, so yeah. No more volleyball.” Kei snapped, his carefully crafted mask of aloofness cracking just a bit.</p><p> </p><p>There was a short silence. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry Tsukki, I didn’t know.” Hinata said quietly. Suddenly, his face brightened again. Hinata was never very good at hiding his feelings. “Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s go play volleyball again, just the four of us, for old time’s sake!”</p><p> </p><p>“What about our game, dumbass?” Kageyama scowled.</p><p> </p><p>“We can ditch! Tell everyone that I got food poisoning and that you left to take care of me. Besides, it’s just a practice match.” Hinata pleaded.</p><p> </p><p>“Nobody is going to believe that.” Kageyama scoffed.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, Tobio, please?” Hinata pulled out all the stops, pouting and looking up at Kageyama with puppy eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Kageyama grumbled but gave in, returning a few short minutes later. </p><p> </p><p>“Surprisingly, nobody asked any questions.” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi laughed under his breath. “So, where do you guys want to go?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… I dunno, I didn’t think that far ahead.” Hinata rubbed at the back of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>Kei rolled his eyes, but relented. “There’s a nearby court where we used to practice. Since the team is playing here, it should be empty.”</p><p> </p><p>Hinata clapped his hands together. “Perfect!” </p><p> </p><p>They started to make their way over, Tadashi supporting Kei who led the way, and Hinata insisting that Kageyama give him a piggyback ride. Kageyama acted miffed, but didn’t actually seem all that displeased. Along the way, they made a bit of small talk, mostly catching up on university. They were all starting their final year, and it was really nice to just chat with old friends. Hinata was studying towards a degree in social work (Tadashi wasn’t surprised, Hinata was amazing at dealing with and winning over people) and Kageyama was studying business, even though they were both planning on going pro in volleyball. </p><p> </p><p>When they reached the court, they naturally split into two teams, Kei and Tadashi against Hinata and Kageyama. It was nostalgic and comforting being on the same court as them again, the familiar icy blue stare and bounce in the redhead’s step. </p><p> </p><p>However, the match was obviously unbalanced. Hinata and Kageyama were university athletes at the beginning of their fourth year playing against Tadashi, who hadn’t touched a volleyball since high school, and Kei, who looked like a baby fawn trying to stand upright, but nobody seemed to mind. Even the notoriously competitive duo didn’t keep track of the score, trying to just have fun. Tadashi tried his best to keep up and support Kei by earning a few points from his serves. Hinata and Kageyama both toned down their usual playing, even if they couldn’t resist the occasional quick attack.</p><p> </p><p>Kei was a sweating, panting mess, but he could still tell that everyone was going easy on him. He hated the feeling of being pitied, hated his body for betraying him, hated everyone else for being so weirdly nice. He wanted them to spike normally, not the half-assed attempts that Hinata did to allow Kei to block a few but that hurt even more when he couldn’t. He cursed his legs, his arms, his head and lungs. His calves screamed at him to stop, his hands felt like hundred weight pounds at his sides, his brain was a jelly mess, and his throat burned from gasping in deep lungfuls of air, even though he had barely played. He hated the feeling of being weak, of seeing everyone else barely breaking a sweat while his entire body told him to give up, to lie down, to rest. </p><p> </p><p>Kei was <em> better </em>than that. He knew that he was a good blocker, a good strategist, a good player. So why did he keep missing serves? Why did he keep drawing concerned and regretful glances? Kei gritted his teeth, biting together to distract himself from the searing pain in his chest, from the cramps in his stomach and shivers running up and down his spine. He could barely pay attention when Tadashi yelled his name for a spike, forcing himself through sheer willpower to take a step forward, bend his knees and jump. </p><p> </p><p>On his way down, he stumbled on his footing. Kei landed painfully on his right ankle, which rolled under him, forcing him to his knees in the middle of the volleyball court with a cry of pain finally leaving his lips. The silence that followed was deafening, interrupted by only the dull thud of the ball falling to the ground, inches outside the white court line. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop <em> looking </em>at me like that!” Kei accused, his voice cracking on the last syllable. “I can feel your stares, your pity, your stupid sympathy. I don’t need your empathy! I know I’m weak, and pathetic. I don’t need you trying so hard to tiptoe around it, just pretend that I’m fine and stop pulling your punches. Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!”</p><p> </p><p>“Kei…” Tadashi’s voice was tender, sorrowful.</p><p> </p><p>“Especially you, Tadashi! I can see you hovering over me all the time, wondering when I’ll collapse next. I know you think I’m weak, but I’m not!” Kei’s voice was positively venomous, the words he spitted out burning through the air like acid. “I can handle myself, I’m doing just fine. I don’t need you trying to protect me all the time! You can just tell me instead of hiding it! Stop lying to me, Akiteru! Stop lying...”</p><p> </p><p>Kei blanched even further. “Sorry, I meant Tadashi. Tadashi. Can we go home now, please?”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi nodded silently, helping pull Kei to his feet. Hinata and Kageyama still stood awkwardly on the other side of the net, shocked by the sudden barrage that Kei had laid out. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for coming guys, this was… nice.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, anytime. Sorry Tsukishima.” Kageyama looked down at his feet, studying them intensely.</p><p> </p><p>“Yamaguchi, you’d better call more often!” Hinata tried to lighten the mood, cut through the tension, but the statement ended up flopping in the air like a dead fish.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I will. Thanks again, have a safe trip.” Tadashi watched as Hinata and Kageyama walked out the gym doors, talking quietly amongst themselves. Kei was silent the entire time, eyes slightly unfocused. </p><p> </p><p>As soon as they left, Kei collapsed to the ground again, nearly pulling Tadashi down with him too. He moaned in pain, finally letting down his guard now that he was alone with Tadashi. He gave up the pretense that he carefully put up in front of everyone else, allowing himself to feel the sting of hurt and weakness in front of the person that he would trust with his life. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Tadashi… I don’t know what came over me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Shh, shh, it’s okay. Does it hurt?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes…” Kei hissed.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll be alright, it’ll pass. You pushed yourself too hard today.”</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t want… them to think I was weak.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi hummed for a second before responding, crouching and pushing Kei’s hair back to look him in the eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re not weak, Kei. You’re so, so strong. I’m sorry if I make you feel like you’re not.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.” Kei whispered.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi stood back up, dusting himself off before offering a hand to Kei, gently pulling him up and lacing their fingers together. </p><p> </p><p>“Come on, let’s go home.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>---</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>3pm</b>
</p><p>Kei had always been pale. In fact, it was one of the things Tadashi loved about him; his alabaster skin dusted with light gold hair and mapped with the faintest veins on his forearms. Tadashi had always loved that he was the only one who could get close enough to see them, to trace them out with his fingertips. </p><p> </p><p>But now, he struggled to even look at Kei. He was a deathly shade of white, a sickly shade that wasn’t pale as much as it was drained of colour. His skin felt papery beneath Tadashi’s fingertips, and he had definitely lost the muscle mass gained through hours of hard training.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi picked up cooking more often, because Kei’s hands were so shaky that he couldn’t hold a pot full of water anymore. He stuck post-it notes on the fridge, on the desk, on Kei’s bag, even on the bed frame to remind him of important dates or events. Sometimes Kei would shut himself in his room for hours on end, not letting anyone in. On these days, Tadashi would allow himself to break down a bit, to stop being so strong and just take a few deep breaths before composing himself again.</p><p> </p><p>And still, he got worse. Kei had always had a sort of lean grace to him, tall and beautiful like a ballet dancer, a juxtaposition to his blunt and snarky attitude. Now, Tadashi had to watch as he slowly began to wither away, growing thinner, paler, and sicker with every new day. The shaking became constant, tremors that Tadashi could feel when he grasped Kei’s hands or slept beside him at night. But he was still so <em> stubborn </em>. </p><p> </p><p>Kei insisted on pushing himself, forcing himself to go to class and walking to the cafe to get his damn coffee even though they had a perfectly functioning coffee maker in their apartment. Eventually, all that stress had landed them where they were now, at the hospital, after Kei had tripped and fallen because his legs were shaking so much and injured his ankle. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s only for a few days.” Tadashi comforted. “The doctors just want to air on the side of precaution, you know?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei just shot him a weak glare. He hated hospitals, hated the constant noise of beeping machines and shuffling footsteps, hated the smell of cleaning agents and latex gloves, hated the bright, sterile white of the walls and floors under the harsh fluorescent lights. </p><p> </p><p>The two of them walked into a patient room, guided by a nurse who quickly showed them the ropes of how to raise and lower the bed, what button to press to call someone in, and gave them a run down of visiting hours before leaving them to settle in. </p><p> </p><p>“I brought something to help liven up the place a bit.” Tadashi blushed, then pulled out a stuffed dinosaur from his bag. “Do you have a name for it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, Dino?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re so unoriginal, Tsukki!” Tadashi giggled.</p><p> </p><p>“Why a dinosaur? That’s random.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi looked stunned. “Dinosaurs are like… your thing! You used to have figurines of them on the shelf in your old bedroom…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, never mind.” Tadashi still tenderly placed it on the pillow, before turning around and taking in the rest of the room.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, Kei, you can see outside from the window!” Tadashi drew back the curtains and smiled widely, letting the afternoon sunlight brighten up the room. </p><p> </p><p>Kei reluctantly shuffled over, standing behind Tadashi and propping his chin up on the top of his head. The view was nice, overlooking the fairly empty street below and a nearby park. He could see a mother pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, a young boy walking a dog, and a middle aged man in a suit striding purposefully while talking into a cell phone. It all seemed so normal, so utterly mundane. </p><p> </p><p>Kei clenched his fists at the flash of jealousy in his gut. He wanted that normal, everyday life that everyone else seemed to have. It wasn’t fair that he should have this sickness, that he had to spend his days in a hospital instead of in his apartment with his boyfriend. He wanted to be down there, walking by the hospital instead of in it, his biggest worries being whether he passed his test or not instead of how fast his body and mind were breaking down around him. He felt cheated, robbed out of what could have been. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi must have sensed his bad mood, because he tugged on Kei’s arm gently, grabbing his attention and smiling comfortingly. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go exploring.” Tadashi suggested, a twinkle in his eye. </p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi, I’m tired.” Kei sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“No, you’re grumpy. Come on, please?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei had always been weak to Tadashi when he begged and looked at him like that. Plus, it couldn’t hurt to get to know the place a little better.</p><p> </p><p>They wandered down the corridors aimlessly, Kei with his arm slung around Tadashi’s waist. He had refused to be pushed around in a wheelchair, insisting that he was fine to at least walk, saving whatever scraps of dignity he had left. They seemed to be in a residential wing, mostly just empty rooms and the occasional supply closet or office. They passed several other patients as well, nodding politely or introducing themselves, striking some pleasant small talk with one or two of them. </p><p> </p><p>When they arrived at the elevator, Tadashi was immediately intrigued by the informational poster beside the button panel. </p><p> </p><p>“Ooh, Tsukki, look there are galleries for operating rooms on the fifth floor, do you think they’ll let us watch a surgery? Oh, or we could go visit the cafeteria? Maybe they have floppy french fries… Tsukki?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei was staring at the doors of the elevator. He had never been fond of mirrors, and had tried to avoid full length ones even more since his diagnosis. But now, looking into the shiny doors of the elevator, he could see the toll that his illness had taken on him. Even though the reflection was slightly marred and dull, he couldn’t avoid seeing the way his clothes hung loosely off his frame, cheeks and eyes sunken into his face. He looked away, unable to stand the sight anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care, anywhere is fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“...Kei? Are you okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Just tired. Let’s go back to the room.”</p><p> </p><p>The awkward silence made the path back seem twice as long as the way there, even though it was the same distance. When they arrived at Kei’s room, Tadashi closed the door and whirled on Kei, who was just starting to sit down on the bed after moving the plush dinosaur to the side.</p><p> </p><p>“What is up with you?”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve been acting so quiet and distant. Why do you hate the hospital so much?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just want things to go back to normal. I hate being here because it makes me feel sick.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi sat on the edge of the bed. “Well, you are sick.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, but it seems a lot realer in the hospital. When we were at home, I could at least pretend that things were going to be okay, but here… I don’t know. The whole building reeks of illness, and it makes me feel weaker than I already am.” Kei stopped to catch his breath and looked down at his hands. “Plus, I don’t want to be a burden on you but I don’t want to rely on anyone else.”</p><p> </p><p>“Kei, I’m still going to be here for you. I’ll visit every single day. Besides, you’ll be home before you know it.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to do that,” Kei protested half heartedly.</p><p> </p><p>“Idiot, of course I will. Here, why don’t you take a nap? It’s been a pretty exhausting day.”</p><p> </p><p>“But it’s still early.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi shushed him and made a faint noise of protest, plucking Dino from the bedside table and pressing it into Kei’s hands. Kei lifted the sheets, a silent invitation, and Tadashi took it gratefully. Maybe the hospital wouldn’t be so bad after all.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>----</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>4pm</b>
</p><p>The hospital stay that was meant to only be a few days stretched into a week… then a month… then several…</p><p> </p><p>His ankle had long since healed, but the doctors were still reluctant to let him go, after being able to see the progression of his disease first hand. No matter how much he insisted he was fine, all it took was one knowing glance between Tadashi and the doctors to get him to sit down. Kei didn’t know how many times he had heard the phrase “it’ll be over soon”.</p><p> </p><p>Kei felt like he was going crazy. He couldn’t trust his own thoughts, his own words, his own body. It was as if he was an observer to a car crash, yelling at the driver to hit the breaks but unable to do anything himself. Everything was wrong, broken. There were days when he couldn’t believe his own eyes, vividly seeing things that couldn’t possibly be real, and other days when his entire head felt as if it were drifting through the clouds, everything indistinguishable and fuzzy. </p><p> </p><p>Worst of all was the unpredictability. Kei needed schedule, he needed routine and order and constantness. That’s part of the reason why he loved Tadashi, who had been in his life for as long as he could remember, who had always been right by his side whenever he needed him, a steady pillar for him to lean on. But now, his entire life was being thrown around like a slip of paper in a raffle. Some days were completely normal, or at least as normal as he could be. Other days, he would be completely lost and gone to the world. Sometimes it would even vary by the hour, sudden attacks of nausea or spells of dizziness crippling him and leaving him useless. </p><p> </p><p>Overall, everything was just a lot more… out of focus. His body often didn’t obey his commands as well anymore, and it took tremendous effort just to do simple tasks like walking or writing. As well, his head felt more… slippery, facts and names that were on the tip of his tongue just sliding off, never to be seen again. Kei found himself pushed into daydreams often, old memories mixing with new fantasies to create a half-real world that played in his head on repeat. Everything was blurry. Kei struggled to distinguish memories and reality, the line becoming so hard to see that he wanted to scream. He had to fight to keep his thoughts in his head, trying not to let them go and leave him hollow, but he was just so tired, he found that they were leaving anyway, so what was the point in fighting...</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi was used to being the one to carry conversations. After all, he had done it for years. Kei was never really one to feel the need to fill the silence, preferring to only speak when necessary, usually a snide remark or a quiet comment. But with Tadashi, he had always been more open, freely holding conversations on every topic under the sun. They had spirited debates on things like animal classifications and video game tier lists. They talked, fought, flirted, whispered, yelled, and just conversed. At least, they used to. So Tadashi wasn’t used to Kei being this quiet.</p><p> </p><p>Kei was supposed to be smart and witty, full of sarcastic comments and dry humor and snappy comebacks and insults whispered under his breath so only Tadashi could hear them. Now, however, Tadashi often found himself frustratingly rambling to himself while Kei either zoned out and stared out a window or nodded absentmindedly.</p><p> </p><p>Even after all that though, there was nowhere that he’d rather be than Kei’s side. Even if sometimes it felt like he wasn’t all the way there, there was still comfort in just his physical presence. After a long day, he would feel an ache, an itch that could only be scratched when he was with Kei. It was one of those days, Tadashi thought as he made his way down the corridors, nodding and greeting nurses and patients whose faces had become familiar from his daily visits. He was excited to see Kei, had even gone out of his way to bring a surprise for him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi,” Tadashi greeted, pushing open the door and stepping inside. </p><p> </p><p>Kei was sitting upright on his bed, computer open on his lap, but he didn’t seem to be looking at it, insteading staring into the middle distance like he was listening to music that only he could hear. However, hearing Tadashi’s voice, he came to attention.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello… doctor?” Kei’s voice was dreamy and a bit slurred.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi dug his nails into his palm and swallowed hard, blinking away tears. </p><p> </p><p>“No, Kei, it’s me… It’s Tadashi. I uh, brought strawberry shortcake from that bakery that you like.” He lifted the white paper bag that held the cake up to show it to Kei, who just blinked slowly.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t like strawberry shortcake.”</p><p> </p><p>“What? Yes you do, Kei, it’s been your favourite food since we were kids.” Tadashi couldn’t keep the accusatory edge from his voice. </p><p> </p><p>Kei was confused. He didn’t like strawberry shortcake, right? He tried to think, but the static in his head drowned it out. Why was it so loud? He just wanted some peace and quiet. His head hurt. He looked up again at the person who had walked into his roomー the hospital room? Why was he in a hospital? Kei thought he was talking, something about cake maybe, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to reply, so he just let him talk. It wasn’t like Kei knew him anyway.</p><p> </p><p>And so their pattern continued, Tadashi taking the lead and trying to fill the empty silence with words, while Kei sat in quiet confusion. There were entire days where he would be in a fog, in his own world that Tadashi ached to reach yet couldn’t. Tadashi felt so frustrated, but also so… alone. He and Kei had always been together, finishing each other’s sentences and sometimes not even needing to talk to communicate. He missed the sparkle in his eye, the teasing smirks and playful glares. He missed Kei.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually Tadashi just… gave up. He sat in silence with Kei instead of fighting it, learning to tolerate if not enjoy the dreamy quality in the air and letting the hours float by. </p><p> </p><p>Kei was lost in his memories, falling into them like falling into an overstuffed mattress, so filling and encompassing on all sides. He let them wash over him, so much easier than fighting back, let the background static fade away to gorgeous colours and warm feelings. Brilliant streaks of gold and pink and orange filled the sky, taking Kei’s breath away. He smiled and looked to his right, where Tadashi sat, like he always did. “Tadashi… look at how beautiful the sunset is.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi jolted a bit at Kei speaking for the first time in hours. Had it already gotten that late? He looked at the clock. </p><p> </p><p>Kei muttered on about the sunset. </p><p> </p><p>It was 4:07pm on a late summer day and the sky was clear and blue.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-----</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>5pm</b>
</p><p>“Yamaguchi-kun, you’re a good student.” His professor’s voice was gentle. “I can see that you work hard and that you’re passionate about this subject, but…”</p><p> </p><p>“I know.” Tadashi breathed, tightening his shoulders. He stood in front of the desk, toes scuffing at the tile floor of his classical literature lecture hall. He had tried to put this meeting off for as long as he could, but eventually he had to come.</p><p> </p><p>“I understand that you may have some personal issues going on in your life at the moment, possibly tied to Tsukishima-kun dropping out earlier this year, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve only attended four classes this entire semester.”</p><p> </p><p>It had been so long since he had returned to the university campus, since he had walked down the familiar paths and seen his classrooms. Tadashi practically lived at the hospital, choosing to sit at Kei’s bedside and chat aimlessly, yearning for him to talk back. They had watched and rewatched comfort movies, binged entire seasons of TV shows in a day, Tadashi patiently explaining who the characters were for the sixth time to Kei. He tried to ignore the guilty stare of his laptop, the red numbers in the corner of his email inbox that grew and grew and grew. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 1 Missed Notification </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Re: Late Assignment </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 1 Missed Notification </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Re: Attendance </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 1 Missed Notification </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Re: Missing Work </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 1 Missed Notification </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Re: Please Respond ASAP </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi scrolled through them listlessly, thumb automatically swiping to delete them without even reading them. He couldn’t particularly bring himself to care. University seemed like such a small thing, so pointless compared to Kei. Everything had seemed so pointless compared to Kei. </p><p> </p><p>Back in high school, he had gotten made fun of relentlessly for being Kei’s shadow, his lapdog. It had bothered him back then, and he had tried to individualize himself more, growing out his hair, piercing his ears. Now though, none of that mattered. He wanted to spend every moment with Kei, melting into him and just forgetting that the rest of the world existed. He would build an entire world from scratch for him, to protect and shield Kei from the rest of the world, and to protect himself too. </p><p> </p><p>Even now, standing in front of his very disappointed looking professor’s desk, he couldn’t bring himself to care. His body may have been there, but his mind was in the hospital room that he had come to see as home. He was standing in the middle of a classroom, but he was also lying on the stiff sheets that smelled perpetually of disinfectant, head resting on Kei’s chest, just listening to the comforting steadiness of his heartbeat.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to graduate university this year. There are simply too many absences, too many missed assignments and tests. You are welcome to attend the ceremony in two days, but only as a guest.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi nodded numbly. Oh well. Even if he were able to go, even if he didn’t fail all his classes spectacularly, he knew that he would rather spend the day with Kei. He knew his parents had dreamed of this day, had waited for twenty two years for him to walk across that stage, to get his diploma and graduate. He had been a good student for his entire life, a point of pride for him, but now it just didn’t matter. None of it mattered. Why couldn’t anyone else see that? He realized that his professor was waiting for him to speak, that he had been standing in silence for far too long.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry for wasting your time, sir.”</p><p> </p><p>“You could never waste my time. In fact I’m sorry for wasting yours. I can tell that there’s somewhere else you’d rather be right now.” </p><p> </p><p>Wise, blue eyes peered into Tadashi’s own bloodshot brown ones. “I’m sorry this simply wasn’t the right time for you.”</p><p> </p><p>----</p><p> </p><p>Kei watched Tadashi walk through the door, looking more melancholy, but also more relaxed, as if he had come to terms with something.</p><p> </p><p>“Where did you go?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nowhere, Tsukki, it’s not important.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi walked up to the bed and sat down on top of the sheets, leaning over to kiss Kei. He gripped the back of his neck and tugged softly, drawing their mouths together, desperately trying to lose himself. He crawled over Kei, knees finding their way to either side of Kei’s hips, coaxing kisses and breathy sounds out of him. When they finally broke apart, Tadashi dropped his weight down and simply settled against Kei’s chest. He felt light, hesitant arms make their way around his back.</p><p> </p><p>“Tadashi? What was that?”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“IーI’ve liked you for so long, but I never thought that you would kiss me, and not like <em> that </em>. It was good, but I mean you never said anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, Tsukki. I like you too,” Tadashi replied, too tired to do anything but play along. This scene had played out before, Tadashi speaking those exact words to Kei, a bitter mockery of their first kiss. He thought “I like you” was so lackluster, not close to enough to encapsulate how much Tadashi felt, but it was all he could say.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you kiss me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I miss you.” <em> Because I want you back. Because you’re so, so far away and I can’t reach you anymore. </em></p><p> </p><p>Tadashi could hear the frown in Kei’s voice. “But I’m right here, aren’t I?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. You are.” <em> Please come back, Kei. </em></p><p> </p><p>Tadashi sighed and reluctantly pulled himself away, grabbing his laptop from his bag before settling back in next to a still slightly astounded Kei. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to watch something?”</p><p> </p><p>At least he wouldn’t have to worry about the email notifications anymore. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>6pm</b>
</p><p>The moments of clarity were becoming fewer and further in between. More often than not, Kei would be found sitting on his hospital bed, staring into the middle space as if contemplating the most difficult problem in the world. Tadashi found that during these times, he couldn’t even distract Kei with movies or his beloved music. Instead of episodes of forgetfulness, he had episodes where he remembered who he was. </p><p> </p><p>Today was one of the good days, the best in a while. When Tadashi had arrived in the hospital room, Kei had smiled and greeted him by name, which was always a good sign. </p><p> </p><p>“How are you?” Tadashi dropped a kiss on Kei’s forehead, thankful for the good stroke of luck.</p><p> </p><p>“Better now that you’re here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Still as cheesy as ever I see.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei smiled weakly, before shuffling over and patting the spot beside him on his bed. Tadashi gratefully sat down, curling his body around Kei, but careful not to disturb the IV in his arm. </p><p> </p><p>“I missed you today.” Kei’s voice was soft, almost inaudible.</p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“I always miss you. Whenever I’m not… you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry Tsukki, I had some errands to run. But today was a good day then?”</p><p> </p><p>Kei hummed. “Yeah, today was a good day.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi’s heart sank, regretting that he missed it, but he did have to run some errands. He had picked up a part time shift at a local bookstore to help pay for the growing medical bills, as well as the usual rent and utilities of the apartment. Now that he wasn’t a full time student anymore, he had more time to visit Kei, spending every spare hour that he could at the hospital. He had already memorized the nurses' names and schedules, as well as the ones that would let him stay for a bit longer if he sweet talked them and the ones who definitely would not. </p><p> </p><p>It was shocking how easily he had fallen into this new routine, how he had already come to see the hospital room as home. </p><p> </p><p>Out of the blue, Kei spoke. “I love you, you know that right? Even if I forget, you have to remember for the both of us.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t say it like that!” Tadashi urged, frowning.</p><p> </p><p>“Like what?”</p><p> </p><p>“Like… you’re saying goodbye.” His voice wavered.</p><p> </p><p>Kei inhaled deeply, lungs rasping slightly. Slowly, he slid his fingers into Tadashi’s hair, tangling them in the green-brown strands. </p><p> </p><p>“I just want you to know that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, I love you too Kei, of course I do. But the doctors said you still have years, so don’t go wimping out on me now.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi punched Kei lightly, taking care not to actually hurt him, then softened the blow by burying his head into Kei’s chest. He was nestled against his heartbeat, slow but steady, exactly where he was meant to be.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry that you have to deal with me all the time.” Kei said regretfully.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“I know it hasn’t been easy. I know that I’ve taken so much of your life away from you, that you’ve thrown out so many opportunities just to spend your time with someone broken like me. So I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop being so self sacrificing all the time! You’re worth more than what you can give to other people. You mean so much more to <em> me </em> . You mean <em> everything </em>to me.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I don’t want to waste your time, or even worse, to hurt youー”</p><p> </p><p>“Kei. It’s okay if you hurt me.” Tadashi heard Kei begin to argue, but he just held up a hand. “Listen. It’s okay if you hurt me, because all it means is that I love you, that I want the best for you, because I do. If seeing you like this didn’t hurt me, then all that would say is that I don’t care. But I do. I care about you so much Kei. I care about you so much that nothing else matters, because I’d rather make you smile for one second than spend an hour somewhere without you. I love you enough that I can sacrifice things, because you’re worth it. So many things don’t matter Kei, and I’ve realized that, but <em> you </em> do. You’re my weakness, and that’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>People said that the Earth revolved around the Sun, but Tadashi’s world had always revolved around his moon. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi looked up to see that Kei was crying, silent tears rolling down his porcelain cheeks. He reached up to wipe them away, then cradled his face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, tasting salt when he pulled away.</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t just go and say things like that, say things that make me want to stay here forever for you. I’m so happy for the years we’ve spent together, I just wish that it could have been the rest of our lives. You make me want to live. I’m so proud of you, Tadashi.”</p><p> </p><p>“Proud of me for being a university dropout?” Tadashi hiccuped.</p><p> </p><p>“Proud of you for speaking your mind.”</p><p> </p><p>The two boys allowed themselves to lie in their own world, breaths mingling and limbs tangled. They were inseparable, undefeatable. Time must have passed, but it didn’t seem like it. Tadashi felt Kei’s heartbeat go erratic. Kei took a breath. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, what was I saying?”</p><p> </p><p>And Tadashi’s heart broke all over again. The intimate atmosphere they had created was blown to pieces, scattered away in the wind. In a single sentence, they were suddenly brought worlds apart again. Kei was right there, so close that Tadashi could reach out and touch him; but at the same time he was so far away, further away than Tadashi could ever hope to reach. Tadashi wanted to cry out, to bring him back, but he was already too far gone.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>7pm</b>
</p><p>Tadashi curled into Kei’s side, content to just hear him breathe, even if the breaths were raspy and uneven. Evenings were always his favourite part of the day, the quiet winding down of the hospital and slowing of movement, as if the whole building was breathing deeply. He knew visiting hours would be over soon, but for now he clung onto the last dregs of the day.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi could feel the comforting weight of the blanket and Kei’s arm draped over him, head propped up on his chest. He could feel the boniness of his ribs, the frailness of his arms and the effort it took to draw in each breath, but with everything so calm and warm he could almost close his eyes and believe that everything was going to be alright. He had Kei, and Kei had him. Of course everything was going to be alright.</p><p> </p><p>There was a soft rain pattering at the windows, the setting sun just barely visible from beyond the clouds. The whole atmosphere was calm and peaceful, and it was during these moments that Tadashi felt timeless, that he could feel the years stretching before him and behind him, all condensed into this moment, this breath, this heartbeat and blink. He could almost see the future they’d have together, evenings filled with summer storms and autumn wind. Tadashi wanted to live in this moment forever. The steady sound of the rain, the warmth from their shared body heat, and the smell of disinfectant that had become weirdly comforting and familiar, all lulled Tadashi into a sleepy state.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi yawned, burying himself deeper into the sheets. His breathing evened out, and he stifled back yet another yawn that was pulling at the back of his throat. His eyes began to droop. When was the last time he had slept well? Usually after returning to their apartment from the hospital, he would fall into bed, but it would take him hours to fall asleep, the bed too expansive without someone else on the other side. He would try to distract himself with mindless YouTube videos, podcasts, music, white noise, anything, until he eventually fell into a restless sleep sometime early in the morning. On especially bad nights he would call Kei, just listening to him breathe and the static of the phone line. He always slept better on those nights. Tadashi would wake up to a shrill alarm, get dressed hastily and head to the hospital again. So far he had lived with these short stints of sleep, but he could feel the effects start to take their toll, like a tidal wave that was building offshore.</p><p> </p><p>“Kei, I’m going to take a nap, okay? Wake me up before visiting hours are over.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, Tadashi. I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>Kei watched Tadashi tug the blanket up further and tuck his knees in, mouth falling open softly and warm slow breaths tickling Kei’s skin as he slipped into a deep sleep. He was reminded how much he loved Tadashi, and thanked whatever deity was out there that today was a day where he could remember, where he could see Tadashi’s blissful face, so different from his perpetual mask of exhaustion and stress. </p><p> </p><p>There was an intense sense of déja vu, as if his subconscious was trying to remind him that this has happened before. Kei tried to ignore that, instead focusing on the swell of emotion rising in him, of adoration and fondness, overwhelming to the point where his heart stuttered. </p><p> </p><p>Or maybe that was the chronic illness. </p><p> </p><p>He smiled bitterly, but it softened as he looked back to Tadashi. A quick glance showed that there was still nearly an hour until Tadashi had to go home. It couldn’t hurt to have a quick nap too, right? </p><p> </p><p>He slowly stroked Tadashi’s cheek, before tightening his grip around his waist and closing his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>-------</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi stirred from his slumber, still tired but feeling a bit more refreshed. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes blearily, looking around for the time. Seven thirty. Oh, he’d only slept for half an hour then. His eyes fell upon the heart rate monitor, then he blinked hard, zoning back into the present from his sleepy state. </p><p> </p><p>Wait. That couldn’t be right, that number was much too low. He watched, dumbstruck, as the numbers continued to slip, before falling to a flat line, the long, drawn out whine deafening in the silence. Then, Tadashi began to scream.</p><p> </p><p>It felt as though the world were dropping beneath his feet as Tadashi frantically shook Kei’s shoulder. <em> No.  </em></p><p> </p><p>This had to be a dream, he must still be asleep, although this was worse than any nightmare. <em> No.  </em></p><p> </p><p>He felt strong hands grab him, pull him away. <em> No. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Doctors swarmed into the room, flashes of white lab coats and black hair. <em> No. </em> </p><p> </p><p>He tried to hold on, but eventually had to let go, pushed to the side. <em> No.  </em></p><p> </p><p>He dug his nails into his palms so hard it broke skin, but he couldn’t feel anything at all. <em> No.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Overwhelming silence, deafening everything else, forcing Tadashi under. <em> No. </em> </p><p> </p><p>He was drowning, drowning, so disconnected from the rest of the world that he didn’t realize that he was speaking, begging, pleading.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to be okay, please please Tsukki, you have to be okay please, I can’t do this without you, please don’t leave me alone, please Tsukki, Kei you can’t go I’m not ready, I’m not ready for this please. Come back, come back, I need you, I can’t live without you, I can’t breathe without you Kei, Kei, please you have to be okay, you promised, you promised,” Tadashi babbled. </p><p> </p><p>He could barely hear anything else over his own mumbled voice and the blood rushing through his head and the low repeated whine and shocks of the defibrillator and doctor’s snapping medical terminology. The smell of disinfectant was so strong in Tadashi’s nose that he gagged, but all he could focus on was Kei, his Kei, looking so pale and fragile and sterile lying on the stark white bed sheets. </p><p> </p><p>It was so wrong, so wrong because Kei was the one who was supposed to be protecting him, Kei was supposed to be strong and brave and alive, not weak and broken and... and… oh god, oh god, no. </p><p> </p><p>Black creeped into the edges of his vision, or maybe it was the tears blurring his vision. He tried to blink them away because he had to see Kei, had to comfort him and keep him there with him. A nurse was patting his arm comfortingly, or maybe restraining him, but Tadashi didn’t even register it because it seemed so far away, like it was happening to somebody else worlds away because that couldn’t be happening to them because that would mean that something was wrong and it couldn’t be wrong because Kei had to be <em> alive alive alive alive </em>. </p><p> </p><p>They were supposed to have more <em> time </em>. Kei was supposed to have years to live, not months. They were supposed to have more days spent together, more movie nights, more sunrises, more cups of coffee, more kisses stolen in the moonlight, more silly texts, more pointless debates, more tickle fights, more afternoon walks, more games of volleyball, more lazy mornings, more late nights, more, more, more. Tadashi needed everything, needed all of Kei, needed just a bit more, but they had run out of time.</p><p> </p><p>All he could do was stand there, stock still, useless. He was being drained, spilled onto the tile floor of the hospital, seeping into the walls and the floors and the ceilings, anywhere but his body. He couldn’t process anything, just rooted in his spot for what could have been seconds or hours. He watched as the doctors slowly stopped trying, stopped barking out orders and instead started exchanging uneasy looks. Tadashi watched them look at him with pity clear in their gaze. Finally, one doctor pulled out a clipboard, and with the finality of a door closing shut, spoke.</p><p> </p><p>“Time of death, 7:56pm.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>--------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>8pm</b>
</p><p>Tadashi couldn’t breathe. He could feel his heart breaking in his chest, shattering into pieces like it was made of glass, shards stabbing into his chest and tearing him apart from the inside. </p><p> </p><p>It seemed as though Tadashi’s world had crumbled around him, years of broken pieces held together with string and glue that had finally toppled over. He couldn’t tell if it had been hours, days, or even months. It didn’t matter.</p><p> </p><p>The pain was unbearable. Every muscle ached, every breath burned, every blink made it harder for him to open his eyes. He couldn’t think past the stiffness, past the pure agony. His body was falling apart at the seams, skin peeling away from bones and leaving him in pieces, a puzzle that could never be put back together again. Tadashi couldn’t swallow past the lump in his throat, could only breathe because his body demanded it of him. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi loved Kei so much it felt impossible. He <em> couldn’t </em> be dead, couldn’t have left him to this blinding pain alone. Kei wouldn’t do that, would never leave him, right? Tadashi <em> needed </em> him, needed him like he needed the air in his lungs. He couldn’t believe that he could be gone, just like that. </p><p> </p><p>He was just at the hospital, or running late from a volleyball game. Tadashi would find him just around the corner in his stretched out grey sweater, waiting for him with a smile reserved for Tadashi like he always did. Kei would gather him in his arms and make everything better, make everything stop <em> hurting </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Kei’s cream coloured sweater, the one that hung just below Tadashi’s fingers that he loved so much, had become stained with tears, blotchy pieces of fabric darker than the rest. Tadashi had refused to take it off, desperately trying to clutch to anything left of Kei. He wanted to cling to every last thing, every faint trace of his comforting scent, like spring rain and hospital disinfectant, before it was gone forever. He lied in their old shared bed, surrounding himself with pillows and blankets piled high trying to make up for the warmth that Kei had radiated, but it only made him feel colder and more alone than ever. Tadashi was so acutely aware of the space, his missing half, worse than if someone had actually split him down the middle.</p><p> </p><p>He could barely make it out of bed, only stumbling to the kitchen on weak legs because his stomach hurt from how hungry he was. As soon as he laid eyes on the old, familiar coffee stain on the white rug though, he broke down all over again, crumbling apart and barely feeling the plush carpet beneath his knees, tangling his fingers in the fibres. </p><p> </p><p>His crying turned violent, angry. His mouth tasted bitter, stale, and salty, from the tears or snot or blood from chewing on the inside of his cheeks, he couldn’t tell. Tadashi screamed until his throat was raw, screamed at how unfair everything was, at how they deserved more time. He screamed at all the pain they had gone through, all the senseless pain. He was so exhausted from the grief, burning on his very last fumes, but couldn’t help but give in to the fury. He hated the universe for putting him through this, hated whatever cruel deity allowed this to happen, hated himself for being so weak and ignorant. Resentment spilled over him, and he wanted to tear the world down.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually the screams turned into guttural coughs, then heartbroken sobs. Tadashi gagged on his own tears, retching and dry heaving from the liquid that was filling his nose and mouth, feeling like he was drowning. </p><p> </p><p>“Please,” Tadashi begged. “Please, please, please make it stop, make it stop, I can’t bear it anymore.” </p><p> </p><p>He had been degraded to choking, hiccuping tears, quiet and pitiful. He just wanted Kei back. He would do anything, give anything. He didn’t care if Kei couldn’t walk or remember his own name, he just wanted him to still be alive, for his heart to keep beating. </p><p> </p><p>But Kei was gone. He was gone, and Tadashi was alone. All Tadashi could do was cry, and cry, and cry, and cry.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>---------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>9pm</b>
</p><p>Tadashi couldn’t cry anymore. If the past month had been a whirlwind of emotions, picking him up and battering him around, the wind had finally died down. This was the eerie silence after the storm, the strange time frame when you stood in the wreckage and simply let the numbness wash over you. After becoming so used to the turmoil and tossing, Tadashi wasn’t sure whether the sudden numbness was even worse or a blissful relief. </p><p> </p><p>Right now, he was more inclined to think of it as a curse. It was Kei’s funeral, after all, and there were expectations. He saw the whispers, the mix of judgemental and pitiful stares, wondering why Kei’s boyfriend, supposedly the most important person in his life, didn’t even look sad. Tadashi wanted to address it, to defend himself, but he realized that they didn’t really matter. He felt disconnected from his own body, as if looking down and watching things happen from far above. People came up, heartfelt apologies in hand, but all Tadashi could do was stand there and nod. Apologies wouldn’t help. Apologies couldn’t bring Kei back. It was so useless, so meaningless. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi felt a wave of bitterness and resentment wash over him, a refreshing change of pace from the numbness. Who <em> were </em>these people anyway? Tadashi only recognized about half the people in the room, mostly old classmates or friends. Didn’t these people care about Kei? They only showed up now that he was dead. They never cared while he was alive, while he was fighting for his life in the hospital, but now that there’s a scheduled event, an easy appointment, something to check off of a to-do list, everyone was here. Everyone… but the person who mattered most. As suddenly as the feelings had come, they had left again, leaving Tadashi an empty husk.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi went back to drifting around, unaware of his surroundings. He was blending right back in, drowning in a sea of black, although he couldn’t remember donning the black tailored suit that morning. He was as insignificant as a piece of wood adrift on an infinite sea, and that’s what he felt like too, just bobbing around, being pushed by the waves. The sound around him also seemed as if it were coming from underwater, vague and indistinct, gurgling its way to his ears.</p><p> </p><p>When Tadashi was gently prodded on stage to make a speech, he instinctively scanned the crowd for that distinctive head of blond hair, a comforting smile because Kei always knew how anxious Tadashi got at public speakingー oh. Right. Tears stung at the corners of Tadashi’s eyes but more than anything all he felt was an overwhelming emptiness and grief. He may have said something, but it was as if he were speaking underwater, slipping and stumbling over words about how Kei was the love of his life and lived a fulfilling, if short life. Bullshit. It was all such bullshit. And it was so, so meaningless because Kei wasn’t even there to hear it, he wasn’t even there to give Tadashi a comforting hug when he was finished speaking or run his hands down his arms to soothe his chills. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi finished speaking, walking off the stage to quiet, scattered applause. Returning to the crowd, he saw a familiar face approach him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi, Tadashi. That was a lovely speech” </p><p> </p><p>Kei’s mother stood before him, face puffy and eyes red.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi drew in a breath, unable to stop himself from seeing bits of Kei in her, from her delicately arched eyebrows to pale skin and thin lips. She had been like a second mother to him growing up, but looking at her now just reminded him of how much he missed Kei. It was a punch to the gut, to see someone who looked so similar and yet wasn’t quite right, like looking into the carnival mirror and not recognizing yourself in the reflection. </p><p> </p><p>“Th-thank you,” he finally managed to say. “I’m sorry for your loss.”</p><p> </p><p>Even to himself, the words sounded robotic and bland, something so disingenuous in them. He had heard those words firsthand, and knew how useless they were, like putting a Band-Aid over a bullet wound. How could you apologize for something like this, something as earth shattering as the loss of a friend, a son?</p><p> </p><p>“Kei would have hated this, huh?” She chuckled weakly, a hiccup making its way out on the last syllable.</p><p> </p><p>At the mention of his name, Tadashi felt the well acquainted twist of his heart. It was just a single syllable, but it held so much weight behind it. Would he ever be able to hear it the same way again?</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi didn’t answer her question, just let her step forward and grasp at his shoulders, sobbing. He could feel the tears sliding down, seeping into his dress shirt.</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi knew he should be feeling sad, or feeling anything, but he could only stand there, dazed and broken beyond repair, as she cried. He just wanted it all to be over. </p><p> </p><p>----------</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>10pm</b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi!! (sent 10:00pm)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> can i stay over for a few nights? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Hinata o(&gt;ω&lt;)o (sent 10:01pm)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> the spare key is under the doormat </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Yamaguchi!! (sent 10:01pm)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> thank you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Is that everything?” Hinata asked. He sat cross legged on the couch, head propped up on his hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Tadashi replied, scanning the few meager things he had brought with him in his backpack: a toothbrush, a few spare changes of clothes, his laptop, and his phone charger. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for letting me stay here, I know it was short notice.”</p><p> </p><p>“You know that you’re welcome here anytime.” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi lowered his head, grateful that he had such good friends, friends who didn’t blink an eye when they received a text message out of the blue after not being in contact for weeks.</p><p> </p><p>“I just couldn’t stand being there anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>It was all too much. Everything reminded him of Kei, every piece of furniture and floor tile soaked in memories of the short years they had spent together in that apartment, every knick knack holding enough sentiment to make Tadashi want to curl up and cry. Eventually, he couldn’t stand it anymore, he had to just get out.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.” </p><p> </p><p>Hinata, usually so boundlessly full of optimism and sunshine, was somber. “I miss him too.” </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi sat beside Hinata and let his head drop onto the redhead’s shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>“It felt too empty without him.” Tadashi’s voice was fragile, vulnerable. “How can ever I live there alone again?”</p><p> </p><p>“You can stay here as long as you need, and Kageyama or I will go back with you if you need to get anything.” Hinata said softly but resolutely. “We’re here for you. Yachi and the rest of the old team too.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi knew that he wasn’t as alone as he felt. In the past few weeks, his phone had blown up with texts from his old Karasuno teammates, as well as friends from university. He had seen the notifications and even read some of the messages, but often couldn’t bring himself to reply, instead just silently appreciating the support. Suga had even taken the effort to mail him a care package of comfort snacks from his and Daichi’s apartment in Miyagi after hearing of the news.</p><p> </p><p>A grieving but understanding silence passed between them, interrupted only by the sound of the shower being turned off, no doubt Kageyama, who had only greeted Tadashi briefly before retiring to the bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>Hinata stood up. “Well, I should be going to bed. Tobio and I both have early morning practice tomorrow, but feel free to sleep in and help yourself to whatever is in the fridge… it might just be some milk and leftovers though.” He smiled guiltily.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, no worries. Good night.”</p><p> </p><p>“Try not to stay up too late.”</p><p> </p><p>Tadashi heard the bedroom door close as he got up to turn off the living room lights, then returned and laid across the sofa cushions. He tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. He wasn’t totally a stranger to sleeping on their couch, but it was usually after a late night and he was usually anywhere from tipsy to blackout drunk (curse his low tolerance and Hinata’s crazy friends).</p><p> </p><p>Hinata and Kageyama’s apartment may have been better than his own, but it was still unfamiliar. Shadows lurked in corners he wasn’t used to, and even the air smelled vaguely of pine, maybe shampoo or laundry detergent. Tadashi sighed. It was a futile attempt to try and fall asleep like this. Maybe a quick walk would make him more tired?</p><p> </p><p>Taking care to make as little noise as possible, he slipped on his shoes and out the front door, closing and locking it with the spare key, which he then tucked into his sweater pocket. He forfeited the elevator for the stairs, thankful that Hinata and Kageyama only lived on the third floor. </p><p> </p><p>Stepping outside immediately cleared his head. Tadashi took a deep breath, letting the cold air burn on its way down to his lungs. Late night walks were one of his guilty pleasures, one he indulged in often. He loved the feeling of freedom, the lack of expectations and pressure to be productive that were pushed onto him during the day. There was also something rebellious about staying up late, watching the hours tick by, a small thrill that he loved. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi’s feet fell steadily on the pavement, but it felt wrong without a second set of footsteps to echo his, like only a single instrument playing what was meant to be a duet. It only made him more aware of the space beside him, where he was unconsciously leaving room on the sidewalk for someone who would never fall into step beside him anymore. </p><p> </p><p>He stopped and tilted his head back to keep himself from tearing up at the thought, inadvertently peering up into the sky. The blanket of stars never failed to take his breath away, temporarily distracting him. Tadashi had made his way to a park and impulsively decided to lay down on the side of the path, soft grass tickling his cheeks and hands, the dampness seeping its way through his pants and a whisper of a smile on his face. </p><p> </p><p>Stargazing was another of Tadashi’s guilty pleasures. When he turned ten, his parents had bought him a telescope that he painstakingly set up in his backyard so he could look into the night sky, often with Kei by his side pointing out constellations. Kei loved constellations, intrigued by the stories and myths behind them. Tadashi had much preferred to study the moon, the bright centre of the sky that fascinated him to no end. </p><p> </p><p>He scanned the sky for it now, but it must have been a new moon because it was nowhere to be found. The stars were out alone that night. He picked out a few constellations absentmindedly, almost able to hear Kei’s voice explaining them, his smile turning bittersweet. When he couldn’t find any more, he just let himself just enjoy the sky above and the ground beneath him. </p><p> </p><p>Tadashi savoured the sweet night air, feeling as infinite as the stars sprawled above him, pinpricks of light on a backdrop of black. His only wish was for there to be someone else to savour them with.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-----------</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <b>11pm</b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>From: Tadashi &lt;3 (sent 11:04pm)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> hi  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i don’t know why i’m texting you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i know you’ll never read these, that you could never read these </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but... i guess i really wanted to talk to you and i didn’t know how else to reach you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i can’t sleep  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i used to call you when i couldn’t sleep, do you remember that? you wouldn’t say anything, you would just let me listen to you breathe until i fell asleep </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> god, what i would give to hear you breathe again </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> it’s 11:11 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> make a wish </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> did you make a wish, kei? i did </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i wished that i could just hear you breathe again </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> there’s no point in not sharing it, i know it won’t come true anyway </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> it’s a silly childish thing anyway </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but it reminds me of you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> everything reminds me of you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i can’t live without thinking about you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i still look for you in crowds, and any time i see anyone who has blond hair or glasses my heart stops </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i still can only sleep on the right side of the bed, because you always slept on the left </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i saw a new exhibit was opening in the museum about dinosaurs and my first thought was that i needed to tell you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i drink my coffee black now because it didn’t feel right adding cream and sugar without you criticizing me and telling me how i was going to die before age 30 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> how ironic </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i miss you, kei </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i miss you so, so incredibly much </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i miss you so much that my entire body aches </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> it feels like someone took a part of me and cut it out, and all that’s left is a gap where you used to be </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> and every day i wake up and for half of a second i believe that you’re still alive, that you’re still there, that i could just reach out and pull you back into my arms </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but you never are </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> and it hurts kei, it hurts so much </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i know i have no right to complain about things hurting </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i know that you suffered so much, that you had to go through so much pain </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but... at least you were never alone </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i’m jealous of you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> isn’t that stupid? jealous of a dead man </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but sometimes i can’t help but think that you got the better end of the deal </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> you left me behind, kei </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i’m so alone </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i knew that you were always one step ahead of me in everything </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> you were the better volleyball player, the better student, the better boyfriend </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i was just your shadow, the witness to your light </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i always expected you to leave me behind, to go off to university without me or get a girlfriend and finally realize that you could never love me as much as i loved you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i clung to you desperately because i needed something to hold on to, something to steady myself </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i was so happy when we got into the same high school, the same university, when we moved in together </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> you were the only thing that i could count on </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> everything else changed, but you didn’t </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> you were my safe haven, my anchor </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i thought we had a future together </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i thought we had time </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i wanted more time, kei </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i was selfish. i wanted to grow old with you, to spend my life with you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i wanted years of sunday morning pancakes and good night kisses </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> but it just wasn’t the right time, was it? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i don’t regret a single moment we had together though </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> if i were given the choice to go back in time and never meet you, i wouldn’t  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i treasured every moment i had with you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> you were my everything </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> even if i couldn’t be there for you at the very end </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i’m so sorry, kei </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i love you </em>
</p><p> </p><p>------------</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>12am</b>
</p><p>Tadashi couldn’t sleep. It had been years since he had moved into his new apartment, but he still couldn’t quite get used to the bed or the lack of glow in the dark stars scattered across the ceiling. He was moving on, he swore.</p><p> </p><p>And mostly, it was true. With the support of his friends and family, Tadashi had gone back to school and finished the last semester he needed for his degree, graduating in a crowd full of almost everyone he loved. He worked at an architecture firm now, spending days in meetings, drafting up designs, and doing endless calculations. It wasn’t what he dreamed of, but his coworkers were friendly and it paid the bills.</p><p> </p><p>He kept himself busy, busy with work or at the gym or catching up with friends. He was always moving, working extra shifts, picking up new hobbies (he tried photography for a month before dropping his camera into a lake while trying to take a picture) or joining new clubs (book club sounded like a fun idea until he realized it was just an excuse for middle aged ladies to gossip for an hour every other week). His friends, noticing how much he was throwing himself into things, had tried to pair him up with blind dates, dating apps, speed dating events. He turned them all down. He was terrified of standing still, terrified of being alone with his thoughts, but he would rather be alone than with someone who wasn’t him.</p><p> </p><p>But on nights like this, when he couldn’t sleep and the air felt warm and the bed seemed especially empty, he couldn’t avoid it. Sighing, he rolled over in bed and grabbed his phone off the nightstand and clicked it on, hoping to distract himself. He watched as the numbers ticked over from 11:59pm to 12:00am, bringing with it a new day. His eyes darted over to the calendar. September 27.</p><p> </p><p>Unbidden, a rush of memories came over him. Memories of sleepovers, throwing rocks at windows, late night texts, study sessions, first kisses, graduations, anniversaries, university, moving in, jealousy, apologies, volleyball games, diagnoses, phone calls, friends, stuffed dinosaurs, sunsets, notifications, clarity, loss, agony, funerals. Memories of Kei. Tears building in his eyes, Tadashi gripped his phone to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Happy birthday, Tsukki.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading! please comment or leave kudos if you enjoyed (or suffered)</p><p>i did a lot of medical research but couldn’t quite find a disease that matched the symptoms i wanted so kei's illness is made up, but draws a lot from dementia and multiple sclerosis</p><p>happy birthday tsukki :’)</p><p>--</p><p>if you wanna talk to me or punch me, i'm on <a href="https://twitter.com/c4tboykei">twitter</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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